Pee anxiety at the urinal is real, and it can bring your entire world crashing down. What do you do — just stand there waiting for something to happen like a doofus? People can hear that there’s nothing coming out; so the longer you linger, the more you look like just another asshole who can’t pee like an adult.
That said, I’m not sure I want to be the guy furiously rubbing the head of his dick just to do what the other 97 percent of men can do without trying. If it was me, I’d probably just start humming TLC’s ‘Waterfalls,’ thankyouverymuch.
“The Woman Who Wrote the Book on ‘Doing Nothing’ on Why Inactivity Is the Only Thing That Can Save Us”
At almost any point during our waking hours, there’s something holding our attention — work during the day, kids when we get home, and behind it all, the 24-hour news cycle. It’s a fact backed up by data: Americans are taking less vacation, shorter lunch breaks and are on their phones more than ever before. “In an endless cycle where communication is stunted and time is money, there are few moments to slip away and fewer ways to find each other,” explains author Jenny Odell. The only answer? Find time to do literally nothing. Tierney Finster recently spoke to Odell about why a digital detox is only a half-measure (at best), the profound and existential questions an empty mind can conjure and how NOMO is the new FOMO. READ MORE
A Film Critic on… ‘Shazam!’
On what it is: “Shazam! tells the story of Billy (Asher Angel), a plucky orphan who encounters a wizard (Djimon Hounsou) who imbues him with special powers. The way Billy can activate them is by yelling “Shazam!” — and suddenly, he becomes a muscular, handsome adult (Zachary Levi) who can fly and do other cool things.”
On being the perfect movie for ‘indoor kids’: “Shazam! has a blast imagining how a young person would react to becoming a superhero. Billy’s basically a good kid but could use the self-esteem boost. Getting incredible powers helps make up for being picked on at school. After all, who cares about bullies when you can turn into Zachary Levi and be literally bulletproof?”
On allegory: “It’s hard not to see Billy’s morphing into Shazam as a metaphor for superhero movies’ ascension. What was once supposedly only for geeks — that was never true, by the way — has now been embraced by mainstream culture.”
On ‘Shazam!’ being more ‘fun,’ than ‘cool’: “Cool is tough, edgy, sophisticated, guarded. Fun is wholesome, cheerful, innocent, open.”
On ‘Shazam!’ being the movie we deserve, but not the movie we need: “Shazam!’s old-fashioned, unashamed nerdy innocence is its best quality, but as much as it tries to be fun, the film fights a losing battle with the realities of modern blockbuster culture.”
Read more from Tim Grierson’s review of ‘Shazam!’ here — including the death threat Grierson (the world’s kindest man — Ed.) received for his mixed review of the movie on a different site; a brief history of the other Shazam; and Grierson’s definitive guide to how old your kid should be to see a movie.
Febreze is Full of Lies
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing consumers that Febreze, America’s favorite odor-eliminating spray, actually eliminates odors. Peep the ingredients:
It’s that second ingredient, Cyclodextrin, that’s key here. Cyclodextrins are compounds made with cornstarch, and they essentially trap odor molecules by attracting and locking them inside the larger cyclodextrin compound. Which is a dorky way of saying Febreze doesn’t actually eliminate odors — it hides them. Oh, and it’s extremely toxic, too.
‘Ma’am, is this Guy Bothering You?’
“Is this guy bothering you?” may well be the most storied move in pickup culture, far predating whatever some dude in a fedora taught you about “negging.” When it works, you’ve become an instant hero. When it doesn’t, oh boy is it ever a mess.
Miles Klee, who owes his very existence to the maneuver, tried it out for the lols on Mackenzie Bezos, who found herself awash in thirsty Reply Guys after announcing her “amicable” (read: lucrative) divorce with ex-husband Jeff Bezos on Twitter. Hilarity ensued.
Breaking the Ice
If getting the “silent treatment” feels in a small way like what prison might be like, you’re onto something, considering it started as an actual prison punishment in the 19th century. These days, however, everyone from co-workers to athletes to loved ones might, at one point or another, get iced out, and it always feels like shit. Here’s how to break the silent treatment, assuming you’re not an asshole who deserves it.
Speaking of Silence…
What is the deal with guys being as quiet as dormice in bed? Is it biology? Gender conditioning? The influence of porn? All good reasons, truly, but it might also have something to do with evolution.
You might think that being given a flexible job that allows you to work at home as you see fit is an employee’s dream. Lol, keep dreaming. A new study out of Germany suggests that while people with flexible schedules have more control over the hours they work, that control typically translates into more, not less, work.
Don’t Blame Skynet
Remember in Terminator 2: Judgement Day when the Terminator explains how and why Skynet, an AI-powered supercomputer, becomes self-aware and attempts to destroy humanity?
Sure, Skynet isn’t real, but if it was, we’d really need to blame ourselves for its homicidal tendencies. After all, we treat our most intrinsic technologies — our phones, our computers — like utter shit, rarely ever letting them rest, rarely ever cleaning them and rarely ever updating them, even when they politely ask us to do so. Hell, even the digital assistants built into our operating systems like Siri and Alexa are practically in abusive relationships.
So why are we like this? Why can’t we just be nice to the devices that (mostly) never talk back to us while doing their best to meet our every need, no matter how strange? Like most of the dark shit in our lives, the answer harkens back to childhood.
The Guy Behind You at the Urinal HATES This One Weird Trick
Fellas with a shy bladder, do me a favor: Stand up, go to the restroom and stand in front of a urinal. Take your shvantz out and rub the tip with the palm of your hand in a circular motion. Have the urinal floodgates opened? According to the evangelists of this “move,” the answer is yes.