A popular adage ascribed to more politicians than I care to count holds that ideology has much to do with age: “If you aren’t a liberal when you’re young, you have no heart, but if you aren’t a conservative in middle age, you have no head.” What’s the College Republican then to do?
Somehow speed up the process of reaching their flabby 40s.
why do college republicans always look 45 years old
— tired lol (@kidwithdog) January 27, 2017
why do all young conservatives look like they're 13 going on 50
— Birthday Boy Hank (@hankhugs) August 20, 2017
Millennial trump supporters look like they've already had a midlife crisis and two divorces, but they only two years out of college and they frequently read the odyssey online.
— WU_TANG_TAN (@Tanner_253) November 12, 2017
There are divergent theories of how, for example, Sen. Ted Cruz can be younger than Gwen Stefani yet seem old enough to have been her high school algebra teacher. Some believe that the sheer hate and rage it takes to peddle right-wing opinions make your face and body break down faster. In my view, the converse could be just as true: Perhaps having always resembled a turtle-human mutant hybrid is what fuels the vindictive resentment of conservative policies in the first place. Whatever the phenomenon, we arrive at the same outcome: Eventually you have a corpse-like Steve Bannon wearing three collared shirts under a vintage bomber jacket to keep his mottled lizard skin from sloughing off in a single piece. Could Jack Palkovic of the Berkeley College Republicans be headed down that same road? Here he is shaking hands with white supremacists, looking like he just locked them into an Orlando timeshare deal.
Don't think there isn't more. pic.twitter.com/676pW2tI64
— Berkeley Antifa (@berkeleyantifa) April 17, 2017
The MAGA hat ages him even more. I swear this guy has a couple grandkids.
And here’s Harlan Z. Hill, a GOP consultant and commentator always eager to remind you that he’s a millennial, maybe so you don’t mistake him for Lou Dobbs after an acid peel. Care to guess when he was born? No, I’ll just tell you: 1990. He’s all of 27 years old.
Democrats are running on socialist ideas like free college, free health care, etc.
But how the hell do they plan to pay for ANY of it? I'll discuss on @TeamCavuto @FoxNews around 4:10PM ET today!#MAGA ?? pic.twitter.com/vsoFo0aTiE
— Harlan Z. Hill (@Harlan) August 30, 2018
But hey, it’s not just America’s young reactionaries skipping decades. Check out these Aussie weirdos going for distinctly non-youthful aesthetics in a TV appearance:
why do young conservatives age so weirdly
daisy looks like a mannequin haunted by a sad ghost and caleb a divorced professor who strikes up awkward conversations with students on the quad pic.twitter.com/rTg2bfbI3f
— Alex 'I don't care for these new Nazis' Hardison (@euchrid) June 15, 2018
The trope is so ingrained that the Onion capitalized on it with a video segment titled “GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men.”
I think it’s important to note, however, that these guys don’t simply look old — they look old in a young way, as if caught between puberty and a Gold Star Executive membership at Costco. If you study them closely, you notice the pimples and the patchiness of their beards. They’re actually working at this presentation. No, 32-year-old Stephen Miller probably isn’t going bald on purpose or bathing himself in toads to get that perpetual clammy sheen, but I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that a Trumpian 20-something secretly envies the “gravitas” of his decay:
good christ can stephen miller take a picture where he doesn’t look like he’s sizing you up to make a suit from your skin? pic.twitter.com/XZcZHda7DD
— The Spookiest Librarian (@HalpernAlex) February 1, 2018
As you’ve no doubt gleaned from experience, or some of the examples above, an essential element of the young conservative’s aging process is the wardrobe: the Polo shirts and khakis, Brooks Brothers suits, sweater vests, bow ties, etc. A YouGov survey of how political affiliation corresponds to clothing found that the Republican youth is less interested in following or creating trends — preferring “classic” ensembles — and less diverse in their garb overall: Just as party functionaries fall in line, they fall into a conformist uniform. Refusing to change with the times, they embrace outdated styles.
Why do all young republicans dress like they’ve seen exactly 2 min 6 sec of Wall Street and think “let’s replicate that?” pic.twitter.com/tFqjthDYFG
— スペンサー(spence) (@tukkeebum) July 4, 2018
I reached out to more than a dozen young and college-aged conservatives on Twitter and Reddit to ask how what they wear communicates their values. None replied. Well, one did, but when I started asking how his sense of fashion evolved, he went quiet. Stylist Todd Hanshaw, however, was happy to explain the sartorial effect that teen and twentysomething conservatives seek. The short answer, he wrote in an email, is that they’re following the advice to “dress for the job you want,” leaning into the square tastes of a right-wing think tanker or Fox News pundit. “Everyone wants to be ‘cool,’” he says, “but the definition of ‘cool’ varies greatly for each individual.” Too right.
A look at the #Janus Rally at the #SupremeCourt #SCOTUS pic.twitter.com/s8DPIJFivr
— ALEC (@ALEC_states) June 25, 2018
The longer answer, Hanshaw explains, is that Americans in general “aren’t as concerned with, nor do they develop, an individual style,” and just a small percentage elevate taste or spark new trends. “Americans tend to follow what they aspire to and don’t think how it looks on them, just that they look like their idol or the person they aspire to be,” he continues. “The young conservatives wouldn’t be taken seriously if they were wearing Gareth Pugh or Rick Owens.” The whole not-caring-if-a-look-works-for-you problem would certainly explain Trump’s rumpled vibe, which Hanshaw described as “unpolished, unfinished and unappealing” in spite of the conservative suits and ties he favors. Likewise, GOP millennials seem more concerned with having the right kind of clothes, not whether they actually fit. The dissonance only heightens the age confusion.
The only rules of being a college republican is that you have to wear suits and that they can’t fit well. pic.twitter.com/ZRDTtAMrKY
— Zeru (@DoubleStraps) January 9, 2018
In sum, Hanshaw said, the young Republicans “are dressing to fit in and not disrupt — to be accepted instead of being applauded. In other words, they dress like this because they don’t know better. Hopefully, they’ll come to their senses before they get to positions of power.” Perhaps it’s that straining effort to project themselves into those positions — as the future masters of government — that allows us to search their faces and see the old assholes they yearn to become.
For now, though, these potential mugs are trapped behind unsettling masks of naiveté, struggling toward the destined cracks and wrinkles. The shuddering jowls are still baby fat. The eyes haven’t yet sunk entirely into their leathery pits. The punishments of time are there, though, waiting for fruition.
Suppose that cabinet job is worth it.