Article Thumbnail

Why Are Baby Carrots Always Wet?

In short, because we choose to spit in the face of God

Growing up, we were praised for asking questions and displaying curiosity. This was a mistake, because now we’re so inquisitive about the world around us that we can’t even open a bag of baby carrots without seriously wondering why the hell they’re so wet. 

But it does seem absolutely preposterous how goddamn moist the vegetable is straight out of the packaging. Really, the question of why baby carrots are wet should just slide over our minds like a fleeting breeze — it’s truly not even worth thinking about again — but instead, it sinks into our brain’s wormy ridges, demanding resolution. Surely there must be a good reason for these carrots’ extreme dampness… but what is it? 

Well, I guess it’s my responsibility to answer this horrific inquiry. 

The thing with baby carrots is that they aren’t real. “Baby” carrots are actually just ugly adult carrots whose bodies have been chopped into several pieces. It’s good ecological practice, preventing tons of full-sized carrots too unattractive for grocery stores from going to waste and also just making us eat way more carrots than we would otherwise. Today, in fact, baby carrots make up 70 percent of all carrot consumption in the U.S

Now, back to why they’re so wet. After a regular carrot is chopped to baby length, the pieces are sent into a polishing drum that, combined with water, shapes the carrots into smooth little cylinders. The fact that they’re shaped using water is a portion of the wet equation. 

The other reason why they’re so wet is because water is literally added to the bag. Without it, the carrots would dry out. Normally, adult carrots have a protective skin that helps them retain moisture. But because we expect our baby carrots to be babies, we do away with that wrinkly old man skin. So in order to still be tasty and crunchy, they need the help of the extra water. 

And that is why baby carrots are wet. We’re such little bitches that we can’t eat regular carrots, and don’t want to eat baby carrots unless they’re moist. Then we have the gall to ask why? All of this is our fault. The absolute hubris of humankind…