Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Each week then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love long, too.
I started talking to this girl on Tinder who I think is super cute, but she obsessively edits and checks my grammar. If I misspell anything or use the wrong “your” or “there,” I get reamed. It’s really turning me off. Is she the asshole, or am I?
First of all, Hinge is where it’s at. Tinder seems to have a Craigslist-y crowd. Just saying!
But I totally get that you don’t like being criticized. Who does? Sometimes my boyfriend will criticize my behavior. I’m very sloppy. Like, really messy. I eat like a monster, I throw things around and I’m perfectly content living in my own disarray. He, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. He has everything perfectly organized — very neat and tidy, like something out of a serial-killer documentary (sorry babe!).
That said, since even I can recognize the importance of cleanliness and I know it would make it easier for him and myself if I tidied up, I happily adjust my behavior when he tells me that specific, mess-related things I do are bothersome. In fact, I strive to be a better version of myself for him. I want that for me. That kind of criticism I will allow.
There are, however, some complaints that are just a little too nitpicky to be sane. Take last night. I left one little pretzel behind in the mustard dip, and was told that was “disgusting.” I was so upset! That’s where I draw the line. Insignificant and innocent mistakes that affect no one shouldn’t be used to criticize. What’s the point? The pain of the criticism is way more than the pain of whatever tiny detail you overlooked.
And it sounds to me like this Tinder match of yours is exacting that kind of torture on you. However, since she may not know that she’s being inappropriate, you should call her out. You should also consider that this might be a red flag. I obviously don’t know her, but she sounds a little neurotic and controlling. Texting is an imperfect science and is in no way indicative of how you actually write or talk; so if someone was micro-editing my words like that, I’d certainly be alarmed. After all, life is about picking your battles. Every day, you can wake up and choose where to put your energy. You can pick and sift through what’s important enough to cause a conversation, or worst case, a fight over. If it’s going to be something as small as the way you text, what’s it going to be like when you actually do something wrong?
So first step: Tell her how this makes you feel (I’m guessing it makes you feel somewhat demeaned). Then, see what she has to say, and if you can come to a resolution where she’s no longer criticizing your texts, then fabulous! If she takes it badly or continues to preside over your grammatical choices like some sort of Tinder-based Clippy, it’s probably best to move on.
And that’s okay! It’s great to recognize these sorts of clues in the beginning of dating someone so you can figure out if it’s worth pursuing the relationship or not.
I’ve always been insecure around pretty-boy types. You know who I’m talking about — they’re the Justin Biebers of the world, the guys with skinny jeans and tight-fitting suits. I always hear women say those guys are “hot” and “beautiful.” Meanwhile, I’m a big, tall guy at 6-foot-2 and 275 pounds. I’m not fat, but I do have a dad bod like Mr. Incredible. As such, I can’t say that I’ve ever felt “beautiful.” I’ve dated some beautiful women, sure, but the kinds of compliments I get from them are usually along the lines of, “You’re teddy bear,” “You make me feel safe” and “You have a masculine energy.”
Those are nice things to say, but I always take it as a nice way of saying they like me, even though they don’t think I’m hot. I guess what I’m asking is this: Is being manly-looking a viable substitute for beauty in a woman’s eyes, or is it all just bullshit?
If there’s one thing that will always be true, it’s that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I’m barely 5-foot-4. I’m over 125 pounds. I have cellulite, and I have to get Invisalign for my bottom teeth because I stopped wearing my retainer. I know that’s not much to complain about, but I still pick myself apart about it every day. In fact, I have to make a conscious effort to meditate regularly just to stop the self-hate. Tall and thin is what I’ve been told is beautiful my whole life. But I’m neither tall nor thin.
One thing that porn has taught me, though, is that there’s really a niche for everyone — BBW, tattoos, thick, thin, blonde, brunette, skinny, small tits, giant tits, young, old, hairy, shaven, you name it. There truly is someone for everyone, and I can guarantee you there are at least a couple hundred thousand women out there right now who are searching for the porn category that is you.
Every woman has a certain “look” she’s attracted to, and it’s absolutely not always the “beautiful,” Bieber-type you’re talking about. Plenty of women go absolutely wild for body types just like yours, and I know more than a few of them who would consider your brand of beauty to be superior to the pretty-boy type. Sometimes, beards, body hair and a bit of gut are the prettiest things someone has ever seen.
I’m thinking here of a friend, let’s call her Jaime. Jaime has a thing for tall, bulky guys who look like her “Jewish step-uncle.” The men she dates aren’t objectively attractive by any means, but they’re completely irresistible to her. She loves them. If given the choice between a pretty boy and someone who looks like them, she’ll choose them every time. She likes the feeling of their big, heavy bodies holding her in bed, and she has a deep appreciation for their unshaven chests and pubes. They’re also hilarious. Actually, she’s far more attracted to their humor and intelligence than she is to their looks, but she also thinks they look beautiful.
Personally speaking, I find masculine energy and safety, the kind you seem to have, to be extremely hot. So I’d hone in on those really great, desirable qualities, and let yourself be appreciated for what you are, not what you’re not.
Also, for the record, I am not attracted to Justin Bieber.
Where’s the best place to have sex?
Okay, I have so many thoughts about this particular topic. My immediate reaction is a bed — a nice cozy, clean, pretty bed, preferably with fresh sheets. That’s probably because I’ve had sex literally everywhere else — on boats, in public, in the middle of a Death Valley desert, on floors, in warehouses, in pools — but the bed I just described still trumps them all. The bed is where my vagina and heart are at.
But if you have to get naughty somewhere else, that place should be Yosemite National Park. I know, I know: A national park seems like an odd choice. Aren’t there park rangers? Won’t people see you? Yes and maybe, but it’s so romantic and beautiful that it’s really hard to resist doing the deed once you’re there. Just the desire you feel from being in that environment alone makes the trip worth it.
Pack a picnic, two towels, water, and of course, miniature mouthwash, then hit the trails. You want to find a place that’s secluded, and comfortable enough that you can do your business without falling into a cactus or off a cliff.
Personally, however, I’m a huge fan of water. At Yosemite, there’s a river that runs near the entrance, with lots of little pools of mellower water to swim in. Most of them are completely deserted and deep in the forest to protect you from prying eyes, which is handy because the punishment for public sex can be terrible in some states. But since there’s really no one around most of the time, you should be okay. You can get down under gorgeous mountains and famous rocks, and then rinse off in the river afterwards (just don’t forget to wear sunscreen). It’s magical.
I know that’s really out there for some of you and you’re probably much closer to a nice bed, but Yosemite sex is nothing if not memorable, and I’m trying to create memories over here.
Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at firstname.lastname@example.org!