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What Should I, an Average Guy Who Doesn’t Want His Dick to Shrink, Use to Cook Eggs Instead of a Non-Stick Pan?

In case you missed it, non-stick pans can shrink your dick. We don’t make this stuff up, I swear.

What’s worse: Washing a regular, not non-stick pan that could take several minutes to scrub clean with a dish brush, or never allowing your dick to reach its full dimensional potential?

I’m talking, of course, about the recent report that non-stick pans can make your sausage smaller. And no, I’m not talking about encased meats — I’m referring to your male reproductive organ. “A new study found that a chemical commonly found on non-stick pans and fast-food wrappers may have a significant impact on endowment — and can result in smaller schlongs,” reports the New York Post.

Dude, WTF?

I know dude, I feel the same way.

How is this even possible?

According to the report, the researchers found that the men who had been exposed to perfluoroalkyl compounds, also referred to as PFCs, had, on average, half an inch smaller weiners than those who hadn’t been exposed to PFCs. Not to mention the fact that they also had lower semen quality.

And, uh, what are PFCs?

Basically, they’re chemicals that are commonly used as water and oil repellents in cookware. “But they are used in a wide range of products, from food packaging to stain-resistant furniture,” reports And according to the study that found that PFCs can shrink your dick, adult males are more likely to accumulate the chemical in their body, for some unknown reason.

But other than the fact that a non-stick pan could lead to serious shrinkage, they’re cool, right?

Umm, no. In fact, I would argue that dick shrinkage is the least of your concern when it comes to PFCs. According to the same article in, PFCs have been linked to cancer, hormone disruption, damage to liver functions and poorer responses to vaccines.


Did I mention that there’s a near 100 percent chance that you already have PFCs in your body already? “Nearly every U.S. resident has PFCs in his or her body, with biomonitoring studies finding PFCs in blood, breast milk, umbilical cord blood, amniotic fluid, placenta and other tissues,” reports

So what pans should I be using instead?

First, you may want to consider getting rid of your teflon pans. “The problem comes when Teflon is heated above 600 degrees [fahrenheit], at which point it releases fumes that are potentially dangerous,” reports Today. As a point of reference, according to Quick and Dirty Tips, an empty non-stick pan can reach 500 degrees fahrenheit in less than two minutes. So instead of opting for the easier-to-clean non-stick pan, Wellness Mama suggests opting for either stainless steel, cast iron or ceramic pans.

They [ceramic pans] are technically dishwasher, oven, microwave and stove safe and can be scrubbed with anything. I love these pans so much that despite my kids breaking my skillet TWICE, I’ve replaced it. They cook better than cast iron or stainless and are easier to clean!” reports Wellness Mama. In other words, you can have your full size sausage and eat food from an easily cleanable pan too.

And while these non-stick alternatives are slightly more expensive than their dick-shrinking equivalent — on average, based on Amazon prices, ceramic pans are $20 more expensive — I’m sure you, average guy with a presumably average-size dick who doesn’t have inches to spare, does have $20 to sacrifice as tribute.