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The Vibrator That Can Do Everything—Including Play Christmas Carols

Stephanie Alys wants to give orgasms for Christmas.

She’s the founder of MysteryVibe, a British manufacturer of sex toys designed by women that adapt to any body shape and vibrate to any pattern. The flexible shaft — equipped with six independent motors — can be bent into a U to be used as a couple’s vibrator or kept flat for solo play. And there’s an app — of course there’s an app — that allows you to target those hard-to-reach spots that make her toes curl.

A dozen vibrations are pre-programmed, and new ones can be downloaded from said app. But more to the point — or I guess, more to the season — last week, to welcome Father Christmas, they secretly released a set of vibration patterns to match popular holiday carols, including “Jingle Bells,” “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “Silent Night,” “Deck the Halls,” “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” and “Santa Baby.”

This holiday season then, you can have a threesome with your one-night stand/hookup/booty call/girlfriend/fiancée/wife and Eartha Kitt.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMyF9fDKzE

Or Rudolph if a devil’s threesome is more your kind of thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfWH2AVSrww

“We wanted to have a little fun,” says Alys. “Love them or hate them, Christmas songs ignite a sense of excitement and joy in us all. So we thought, Imagine if we coupled that with the feeling of an intense orgasm?! Our mission has always been empowering people through pleasure, and I hope this will give everyone a naughty new way to enjoy their favorite jingle.”

Skeptical about the appeal of getting off to “Silent Night” — or “Little Drummer Boy,” even when sung by these guys (and girl) — I polled some of my female colleagues about their desire to mix holiday business and pleasure. “The turquoise color is great!” says my fellow staff writer Tracy Moore. “However, I’m not accustomed to inserting a flat rod into my vagina. What’s more, most Christmas songs are at best, sadly sentimental, and at worst, schlockishly cheesy. What they all are is totally asexual. I can’t imagine anything less erotic or arousing than something that makes me think of childhood, and even if it’s meant to be funny, I never try to laugh during a sexual experience on purpose.”

“First thing I’m noticing is that the shape of this thing doesn’t look sexy at all. Same goes for the texture,” adds our art director (and resident astrologist) Erin Taj. “The pulsating vibrations seem cool, but as someone who isn’t that into vibrators, the frequency is neither here nor there. That said, it is something I’d buy as a gag gift for my boyfriend and I to mess around with on Christmas Eve. I’m not sure I’d get more use out of it than that though.”

Deputy Editor Alana Levinson made it a clean sweep against. “Nothing makes me less horny than a Christmas carol,” she explains, echoing Tracy. “I’d rather not think about my childhood memories and the Christmas-industrial complex when I’m masturbating.”

So if nothing else, the MysteryVibe proves that once again, the consumerism of Christmas continues to be one giant turn off.