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The Snowflake Diaries: The Messy Perfection of Period Sex

In the age of ass-eating, it’s strange to think that some straight men are still squeamish about having sex with a menstruating woman. Either they remain shamefully ignorant as to the ancient enigma of the period, just claim it’s “gross,” or see that time of the month as their ticket to a week of unreciprocated blowjobs. Whatever the excuse, clinging to the view of menses as a mystical taboo when it’s just a part of being human is pathetic.

You know who else thought we shouldn’t have period sex? Whoever wrote the book of Leviticus, i.e., the same assholes who declared homosexuality an “abomination.” (According to them, it was grounds for total exile.) Not only are these attitudes selfish and stupid, but they preclude a greater knowledge: Period sex is really, really good. And while you Puritan losers are squealing in terror, bloodhounds are actively seeking this borderline-cannibalistic treat.

If you’re going to believe anybody when it comes to the spiritual import of menstrual blood, I’d listen to the pagan traditionalists who recognize it as the source of a divine power. I mean, we’re discussing the foundational substrate of our species, so quit thinking of it as unclean and start showing proper respect. But why — you may still be asking for some insane reason — should you partake in a bloody bang? Let us count the ways.

It’s sex

For starters, you like sex. Period sex is sex. Try not to overthink this. Sometimes neither of you will know she’s on her period till afterward — that’s how unnoticeable the difference can be. By the way, if you’ve never done it, kick-starting someone’s period is kind of hot? Plus, it means she’s not pregnant, and I know you can get excited about that. There is no reason to go celibate for 25 percent of every month, you weirdos.

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What are you, scared?

Aww, is the big, brave man spooked by healthy vaginal discharge? Let’s keep things in perspective: menses are hardly as nasty as a lot of dicks out there. Real machismo is loving your girlfriend at every point in her cycle. In a direct message, a Twitter acquaintance named Myles recalled a former co-worker who said, “You aren’t a man until you get blood on your sword.” A little weird, but his heart’s sure in the right place. Ditto the willing and eager guy who calls his significant other’s period “Shark Week.”

She’s hornier

Even if you, as a dude, are lukewarm on the concept of period penetration, do it for her. This is the moment when a woman’s libido-inhibiting progesterone is at its lowest level, which can turn her into a hormonal fuck-fiend. Yes, period horniness is a well-established phenomenon that everyone should be taking advantage of, and what’s more, orgasming “can help relieve cramps, back pain and other physical discomforts.” If your cocksmanship has medicinal value, make like Hippocrates and get to the healing.

Try oral while you’re at it!

Among men who are generally down to surf the crimson wave, a few still recoil at the thought of lapping it up. (In middle school we spoke of giving a menstruating woman head as if it were more disgusting than scatological sex. Nope!) The partner with a flow going can be self-conscious about it, and obviously only do what you’re both comfortable with, but all you’re up against is a slightly modified taste: My girlfriend refers to it as “medium rare,” and there’s a faint metallic tang of iron in the blood. Again, if you eat ass, you can do this. Think of it as ordering a new dish off a trusted menu! Bonus tip from another MEL staffer: if you focus your efforts on the clit, there’s not necessarily a need to take the tampon out.

Menstrual blood is its own special lube

The more you have period sex, the more you notice its particular silkiness, a lubrication over and above the traditional mélange of pussy juices. If nothing else I say resonates with you, please understand that you are denying yourself this one-of-a-kind pleasure. I’m not sure if science has ever explained why period blood — which is to say “thickened endometrial cells that slough off if there isn’t a pregnancy, actual blood from arteries in the uterus, and sometimes clots” — functions so beautifully as an anti-friction substance, but the results plainly speak for themselves. KY has nothing on this magical stuff.

The intimacy factor

Myles tells me that although it’s no big deal to get your freak on underneath the red moon, “it’s something I would only do in a premeditated fashion with somebody I was a bit more serious with.” That’s fair! And it speaks to the way in which this intimacy can bring people closer together. Each relationship is made up of a series of firsts, and the nude parts are no exception. Isn’t there something you regularly do with your current boo that you’d never imagined getting into? Exploration and adventure have always been key to satisfaction in the bedroom, and a menstrual safari absolutely fits the bill.

Making a mess… it’s good

Anyone versed in bloody boning will tell you to put a towel down to save your sheets (unless she’s the type to mark her territory, which is its own kind of fun, laundry aside). Either way, you’re clear to play in the paint — and get it everywhere. Humans love swapping spit and coming in each other’s mouths, so forgive me if I scoff at men who are too dainty to get their fingers red, especially because you know they’ve probably asked to jizz on a woman’s tits. I would hope that you engage in some post-coital cleanup regardless of the scenario, and while you may not enjoy looking at your boner when it resembles the chestburster from Alien, it’s nothing soap can’t fix. In the meantime, quit being uptight and revel in the splatter, because this is basically art.