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The Internet’s Favorite Dirty Bird, Why Cops Have Such Terrible Aim and the Strange-Yet-Adorable Erection Some Dudes Are Getting

No, I’m not going to tell you about the strangest erection I’ve ever gotten. Don’t misunderstand—I’ve gotten PLENTY. But I’m pretty sure my mom reads this column (hi mom!), and I’d prefer to save her from the embarrassment.

So let’s just move right along to the main event, shall we?

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Big Bird’s Shockingly Dark Life on the Internet
Arguably, no TV character in the history of the medium is as beloved as Big Bird. Nor is there a character as pure. For that reason, memelords are hellbent on dragging his oversized yellow ass through the mud. With the news that Caroll Spinney, Big Bird’s human counterpart, has decided to hang up his feathers, Miles Klee takes a look at just how dark and full of terrors the internet life of this Sesame Street character has become. READ MORE

Who Shot Ya?

You’d think that the professionals charged with protecting and serving the public would have shot a weapon more than 200 times before being given a gun and a badge, but for America’s police forces, that often isn’t the case. In fact, studies show that active police are no better shots than you or I — and are far more likely to miss their target than hit it. That, of course, is bad news for bystanders.

Staying Dry

Believe it or not, there are a lot of dry towns still left in America — about 500 of them to be exact. But what’s more surprising is that a few of them are in states where the beer flows like wine everywhere else. Here’s why these booze-free towns are still holding out.

You Got Served

Guy dying in front of you? Render assistance! That’s the conventional wisdom, at least. But fair warning, your actions may come back to haunt you in the form of a lawsuit. You read that correctly: You can be sued for any damage you cause in an attempt to save someone’s life, and depending on what state you’re in, you could lose big.

Don’t Stare, Don’t Stare

The male obsession with boobs is well-documented, but as Tracy Moore puts it, “The nipple is the brushstroke that paints the story.” Like a deer in the headlights, a pair of stiff nips can stop a guy dead in his tracks. And while we dudes might think we’re being sly when we give a woman a quick visual examination during such moments, we’re not — like, at all. Which sucks for the women we’re ogling, because they often can’t control when their nipples are going to stand at attention. But they sure as shit will get judged for it.

Your Love is Lifting Me Higher

Nipples are just one of many reasons a man might pop a boner. It could be anything from friction (in one’s pants) to a full bladder to… love. Yes, the “love erection” is, evidently, a real thing. And it refers to the act of getting a boner from feeling loved by your significant other.

From the MEL Slack Channel

So… we fucked up. Let’s just say we ordered the world’s largest deliverable pizza for lunch today (because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) and it destroyed us:

Big mistake on our parts.