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The Case for Masturbating Before Thanksgiving Dinner

According to some, it makes you hungrier! It might make you less of a drag to be around, too

Thanksgiving is one of the few days that you may realistically become too full of food to have sex. Not only are you likely to gorge yourself to the point of pain, but the overeating will make you fall asleep the moment your head hits the pillow. Perhaps under these conditions, Cazzie David’s recent essay on being unable to have sex with a full stomach was accurate. 

Accordingly, I’d like to explore the inverse: Let’s say, hypothetically, the reason one can’t have sex on a full stomach is because there is simply not enough “room” for it (internally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever). So, following this logic, one could hypothetically produce more “room” for food by emptying the space in which sex is stored. 

I’m talking about masturbating before your Thanksgiving dinner

Now, to whatever family of mine may be reading this, I am not a practitioner of the pre-Thanksgiving wank. I’m not writing this because I actually do it — rather, I’ve heard whispers from others who advocate for the concept. Also, who cares? Both for your hunger and general amicability, it may not be a bad idea.

First things first, masturbating is good for your mental and physical health. The release of endorphins and dopamine that occurs via masturbation helps reduce stress and pain, two aspects that can significantly impact your immune system. For people whose appetite might be suppressed from stress, masturbating might be a solid way to rev your appetite back up. Across Reddit, tons of people claim that masturbating makes them hungrier, regardless. This may be because, while somewhat insignificant, masturbation does require the use of bodily energy. When you’re done, you may feel like you need to refuel.

Hunger aside, though, there’s a pretty good chance you’re stressed as it is, and it makes you kind of a drag to be around. Even if you’re just doing Thanksgiving via Zoom this year, masturbating beforehand might make you less of a cranky little hermit crab on the call. If you’re having an in-person Thanksgiving, well, maybe the endorphins will help you forget about the whole pandemic-spread thing. Plus, you can focus on the conversation with your newfound post-nut clarity. Just, y’know, wash your hands afterward.

For those who want to be on their A-game on one of the biggest eating days of the year, maybe masturbating in preparation is the way to go. One potential downside is that it might make you sleepy, but you’re going to be sleepy after the meal, anyway. So, go ahead and rub one out before Grandma arrives. For your health!

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