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The Animal Who Died Out Because Its Dick Was Too Big

This ancient crustacean devoted too much time to having sex, too little time to not going extinct

Extinction happens to different species for different reasons: The dinosaurs went extinct because of a meteorite; saber-toothed tigers and wooly mammoths were swept away by an ice age; and several other species have been hunted and killed to the point of extinction by us humans, who are somehow not yet extinct.

And then there’s Colymbosathon ecplecticos, also known as “astounding swimmer with a large penis.” This ancient crustacean died out not because of any natural disaster or venereal disease: Nope, this locker-room-traumatizing bastard died because its dick was too big (and you thought catching something because your dick is so big it touches toilet water when you sit down was a problem).

The well-endowed crustacean also happens to boast the oldest penis ever found — 425 million years. But as anyone who’s ever seen anything that comes in various sizes is aware, the term “big” is relative. “The entire creature is just a fifth of an inch long, but for its size, its penis is still ‘large and stout,’ according to its discoverers,” reports The Atlantic.

According to Gene Hunt, a paleobiologist at the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History who led the study on ostracods (the class of crustaceans that swimmer-with-big-dick stems from), scientists wanted to better understand the role of size and how it affects survivability. Turns out: Having a big dick means you’re more likely to go extinct. “We showed that when males are larger and more elongated than the females, those species tend to not last as long in the fossil record,” explained Hunt in a statement, as reported by Inverse. “They have a higher risk of extinction.”

As to why, well, that’s something a sex addict can probably relate to. As per the study, while having a bigger dick meant the species could create more sperm, it also led to a level of devotion to baby-making that was so zealous, there was no time for anything else. “If devoting so much energy to reproduction made it harder for species in the past to adapt to changing circumstances, perhaps that same should apply to species we’re concerned about conserving in the present day,” said Hunt in her statement.

Since it’s too late for the crustaceans to cope with the big dick reality with which they were served (they’ve been extinct for more than 400 million years), here’s a tip from one redditor who has the same “dick so big it touches toilet water” problem to another: Use toilet paper.

“Dude, one tip i can give you about toilet water:

Piss then get a bit of toilet paper and cover the front of the seat and rest your dick on it. Been doing it for a couple of years now, so so much better!

Enjoy your shits”

And your big dick! Y’know, while you still exist.