Maybe there’s something sick and insidious about American culture that we sexualize candy, but I don’t care to diagnose it — all I know is that I want to imagine my M&Ms as hot lesbians in go-go boots and eat Snickers bars with dick-vein ridges on them. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently, it is — as we learned earlier this year, M&M parent company Mars announced they’d be toning down their mascots to be more “inclusive,” namely by changing the footwear of the feminine green and brown candies to be less sexy. But who, exactly, is that inclusive to? Not us horny freaks! This ever-increasing infringement upon pervert culture threatened to strike us down once more last week when a viral rumor spread that Snickers would be removing its chocolate dick veins to appease the woke mob.
The rumor appears to have been sparked by a photo shared on Twitter of a completely smooth, vein-less Snickers bar — proof enough to send any of us into a frenzy. Around the same time, a fake headline started making the rounds that Mars had officially announced the change.
I believed it, too! I was just about to pack it up and chain myself to the gates of the Mars headquarters, but thankfully, Snopes saved the day by reporting that no, Snickers would not be taking away its throbbing signature. Still, the hoax really freaked people out.
“Snickers just lost a customer,” @BruhKoda tweeted. “The dick vein was the best part of the Snickers — it just made it taste so much better,” wrote @neigevil. Others said the news made them want to rebel, and the phrase “we used to be a proper country” became a repeated sentiment.
Per Snopes, however, Mars has not announced any formal intent to devein their Snickers, nor is anyone really asking them to. The veinless Snickers in the viral tweet appears to be some sort of manufacturing error, or maybe a result of the Snickers melting and then re-forming into a less penile shape. Shortly after the article was published, the official Snickers Twitter account even announced that the “veins remain.”
Nevertheless, the hullabaloo surrounding it and the fact that it warranted a Snopes article points to the fact that many of us are pretty obsessed with the phallic Snickers (it’s worth noting that Milky Ways also have some veininess, but they don’t get as much love). Of course, there are many who never noticed these dick veins prior to the news, and now can’t stop recognizing them when they see them. “You are all now cursed: every time you’re about to bite into a delicious, satisfying Snickers bar, you will remember it has a dick vein,” tweeted BuzzFeed writer Katie Notopoulos.
Curse? More like a blessing, to now see the world with clear eyes.
Moreover, if you’re just now realizing a Snickers looks like a veiny dick, you’re pretty late to the game. According to KnowYourMeme, the first recorded reference to the veins came in 2009. You’ve had 13 years to pick this one up, and jokes about it have gone viral on several other occasions. You’ve been blind to the truth if it took the threat of losing the vascular Snickers to make you conscious.
Let’s just hope that we enjoy it while we still have it. No woke mob has taken away our Snickers cock yet, but as the M&Ms constantly remind us, we could lose our chocolate hard-on at any time.