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The Unrivaled Ecstasy of the Stoned Piss

Sober pees are boring. Drunken pees are chaotic. But stoned pees? PURE PLEASURE VOLUME 69

Everyone enjoys a drunken pee. It’s easy to ignore the early signals of a full bladder when you’re tipsy, and alcohol is a diuretic, so once you finally take a leak, the ferociousness of your stream is tremendous. It could blow a home over, and the profound feeling of relief that ricochets throughout your body is hard to beat.

However, an IPA-or-rum-enhanced pee has its drawbacks. “It’s sloppy like a urinary Rorschach test,” says SayMo (a nom de plume). “Think of the urinals and bathrooms in any bar. I apologize for the cringe and trigger incurred by heroes who clean up those Pollock piss paintings, and I salute y’all.”

Messes like these are just one unfortunate byproduct of sloshed peeing. They’re also one reason why taking a leak after smoking a pungent hunk of weed is a far superior ordeal. “Peeing whilst stoned is a more refined experience,” SayMo tells me.

The sober pee is a chore, an inescapable errand that should be taken care of as quickly as possible so you can return to business as usual. The drunken pee is a hazardous odyssey of equal risk and reward. The stoned pee, meanwhile, is the inverse of each: An opportunity to slow down and meaningfully explore your body and bathroom.

SayMo, for example, sits down like The Thinker whenever he’s stoned and has to take a leak, and he enjoys soaking in the “weird art” people hang on their bathroom walls. He tells me it either spurs a laugh or makes him wonder, “Damn, is this from the MoMA?”

Nate, another man who appreciates a stoned wee (and who requested I change his name), tells me it’s a prime chance to let your mind run free. “You have this epic daydream where you’re in another galaxy,” he explains, and when you finally come to, there’s a good chance that you’ll still be peeing. “Like, whole alien civilizations rose and fell since [you’ve] been standing here.”

You’ll likely be surprised by where your brain goes. “I was really, incredibly high, and when I went for a piss, for some reason the thought, ‘I’m doing a willy-wee,’ popped in there, and then I had to sit down and cry-laugh for about 20 minutes,” Nate says. “I didn’t know what to do.”

If you want an even stranger experience while taking an herb-enhanced leak, SayMo suggests changing your environment. “The first time I smoked weed, I ended up peeing in someone’s backyard, which was like a forest, and I thought I saw a bear, which scared me,” he says. “I ran back inside without tucking in my johnson. It was embarrassing because of the lack of an actual bear, but I had everyone laughing.”

As for why the high pee is so special, I have my suspicions. You typically drink lots of water to soothe your cottonmouth, which results in a brimming bladder. Weed makes time feel slower, creating a prolonged feeling of relief as your stream shoots (seemingly endlessly) from your body. Finally, the unique decor of most bathrooms (bright porcelain, dazzling lights and a mirror) make for an interdimensional atmosphere and a fantastical peeing experience that only the high mind can properly tune into.

We could also engage in some scientific speculation. It’s believed that peeing feels great not only because it reduces pressure on the organs your full bladder was previously pressing up against, but also because it activates the sympathetic nervous system and releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine. In theory, weed should enhance this effect by simultaneously stimulating your endocannabinoid system, which is linked to sensory nerves in your bladder. In other words, the high leak seems to be a double whammy of physical pleasure.

“The stoned pee is one of life’s simple, reliable pleasures,” says MEL’s very own Alyson Lewis. “When I’m high, I tend to hold my pee for some reason. I just don’t notice because the sensation of having to go is a little dulled. But when I go and let out a good, long pee, it’s a feeling that’s unparalleled. There’s such a weird sense of satisfaction every time, and for at least five to 10 minutes after, all I can do is say, ‘That felt so good,’ and revel in my relief.”

The only downside is that you may never leave your bathroom again.