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Screw Calves and Pecs—I’m a Dick Woman

Who says there’s no female equivalent of being a butt man, a boob man or a leg man?

I’m a sucker for a great dick. I have no idea why some women are turned on by some parts of the male body and not others, all I know is that a great dick really does it for me, while pecs aren’t really a big deal.

Wrap said dick up in a nice pair of jeans or slip it into a pair of sexy boxer briefs and my higher cognitive brain functions get short-circuited. Slide it into a sexy condom and I lose the power of speech.

So, men, if you got it, flaunt it! Make my day and flash that dick!

Don’t get me wrong. I love a nice pair of biceps but there’s just something about that dick. Like, small arms and a great dick is still a good look, but no dick and great arms is weird. I can forgive no arms, but if you have no dick GTFO my life.

In conclusion, any real woman is a dick woman. A nice dick is unbeatable.

… Just kidding. Well, sorta. These comments have been lifted entirely from message boards for dudes with subjects like “I’m a sucker for a great pair of legs,” only with the body part changed to dick. And “I’m more of an ass man myself,” which I then changed to dick. Also “Are you an ass or boobs man” which I also changed to — you guessed it — dick.

I did this so you, a man, could read what it would be like when women write about men’s bodies the way men write about women’s bodies. You can see it reads real stupid. Women just don’t go around boasting about this.

Chopping a person down to only a body part, as if you could actually spend a lot of time with just a penis even if a complete moron was attached to it, is insulting. (Unless, of course, you’re visiting a glory hole, and then an attached moron is probably ideal.)

It’s not because I’m not shallow. I’m as shallow as any ass, tit or leg man out there. But I haven’t had my sexual preferences catered to in such a cartoonish, excessive way throughout my life—and so, like a lot of women, I don’t really feel comfortable going around talking about it.

What does that look like, to have your preferences catered to? Think about the first time you opened a Playboy as a kid. You, men, have been fed hundreds of thousands of images of women in submissive, deferential poses in ads and art and porn and films your entire lives. There are entire songs written about women’s body parts: “Legs,” “Ass Man,” and “Baby Got Back” to name a few, to say nothing of various and sundry references to “American thighs.” In women’s corner is that one TV show I Love Dick, which is actually about a guy named Dick and was quickly canceled, even though it was critically acclaimed.

This steady gush of ass-, tits- and legs-ism has deeply shaped your way of thinking about women’s bodies. So when you sit around and rank women’s body parts by your personal preference, you are participating in something called “dismemberment,” which sounds pretty gruesome!

Here, let a sociologist explain:

Women are often presented in a dehumanized way in mass media images, their humanity sacrificed to display the artificial ideal. Women are not only turned into a thing, but the thing is broken down into component parts, each of which also represents an ideal form. She is dismembered. Hence we get numerous images of lips, legs, breasts, butts, torsos — female body parts. Frequently in such images the head is missing, emphasizing that females are not valued for their intellect, but for their external form, their curves. Sut Jhally points out that presenting women as fragmented and disconnected body parts detracts from thinking about women as real people with their own intellect, feelings, dreams and desires. Women become objects for consumption.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t really love tits more than legs, or asses most of all. I’m sure you do! You probably love tits as much as I love dick. The difference is, one of us doesn’t go around barking about it like a tit-loving seal.

For some reason, I am able to live my life liking dick as much as I do without having to tell anyone about it. For some reason, I am able to keep this to myself. As much as I think about dicks, I don’t really ever have to bring it up to anyone. I definitely don’t need to tell men I’m with about other dicks I love. I’ve never had to take to a forum and commit fingers to keyboard to tell strangers on the internet how much I like dick. Until now.

It’s definitely not because I don’t like dick. Why, I’ll go head-to-head with any man on logged dick hours alone if you want to put this to the numbers. But there is a reason why men sound like they are bidding on body parts at auction when they describe women, and women sound like they are stuck in a Victorian novel being scandalized by an exposed ankle when they describe men.

It’s cultural conditioning. In other words, it’s not that women don’t fetishize men’s body parts or their bodies. Hooboy, do we! We just don’t have the privilege of being indulged and encouraged, and in control of most art and media, so that we can sit around ranking this shit all day long as if we’re piecing together our dream guy like in that accidental documentary about misogynistic nerds called Weird Science.

Before you go parroting back some old myths about men and sex — that you’re more visual, that you need sex more, that you’re hornier, that you can’t help it — you should really read some Daniel Bergner.

He’s a man who did journalistic research interviewing dozens of experts and reviewing the existing literature and found that everything we think we know about female sexuality is probably wrong. Women are hornier, lustier, more visual and into more novel sexual experiences than men. They are far more bored by monogamy than men.

In other words, what women want sexually is robust and varied and restless and wandering. What you think of as women’s naturally lower libido is women merely not liking the fucking you’re offering them. Instead, it’s been reframed as men having the monopoly on lust.

What men do have the monopoly on is defining lust for everyone.

Men have the dominant position in culture as not only the definitive authoritative voices on everything, but also the writers and makers of the majority of art, literature, advertising, film and porn. This means men get to tell their stories, write about what gets their motor running and describe at length how women look and what they like.

Then men put this definition of sexy into movies and ads and books and photography and museums so we must all collectively bear witness to their preferences and fantasies, and decide how we feel about our bodies in reaction.

This results in men believing that they can and should swing from the rafters, blurting out their sexual preferences about women by the part. But you don’t have to be that guy.

Wanna know another weird thing? Men believe that women, despite being tit-, leg- and ass-havers, don’t want sex at all—we just want long walks on the beach with a good listener who makes us laugh. Here’s the truth: We are sweet and pure. We do want long walks on the beach with a good listener who makes us laugh!

Just one who has a really, really great dick.