Safaree Was the Biggest Joke in Hip Hop—Until the World Got a Glimpse of His Enormous Dick

Until a few weeks ago, Safaree Samuels was best known as Mr. Nicki Minaj. He and the rapper had spent most of the new millennia together. The first half of which he stood by her side as she struggled to find success in the music industry. The latter half of which he became her Stedman, helping her write songs and serving as her hype man.

But the whole time (more or less), many, many, many rappers and athletes dragged the hell out of him. The best example is the song “Only,” in which Drake, Minaj’s labelmate, raps: “I never fucked Nicki ’cause she got a man / But when that’s over then I’m the first in line.” Meanwhile, Lil Wayne adds, “I never fucked Nicki and that’s fucked up / If I did fuck she’d be fucked up / Whoever is hittin’ ain’t hittin’ it right / Cause she actin’ like she need dick in her life.” (For her part, Minaj says she’d only let them eat her ass anyway: “Yo, I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake / All my life, man, fuck’s sake / If I did I did a menage with ’em / And let ’em eat my ass like a cupcake.”)

That’s some next-level cucking, especially because legend has it that Safaree was in the studio when both verses were rapped.

It got worse, though, when Safaree and Minaj broke up very publicly in late 2014. “The ex-boyfriend of Nicki Minaj is taking their break-up INCREDIBLY hard … to the point he’s having suicidal thoughts,” TMZ reported at the time. “Safaree Samuels is confiding in friends that he’s an emotional wreck over his breakup with Nicki after a 12-year relationship. He’s become a shut-in, spends days and nights smoking weed, and has talked openly about suicide.

“Safaree’s friends say they’re scared these are more than idle threats. They’ve urged him to see a shrink. The problem … he’s seeing one whom he says has been giving him meds that make him even more emotional.”

Eventually, he came out of hiding for a series of heartfelt interviews, starting with The Breakfast Club radio show:

His sympathy tour, however, quickly went to shit once he started pushing his own music — and rocking excessive furs. It was, what I like to call a series of Ls.

https://twitter.com/NuCcl/status/936845837920911360

But wait, there’s more. He proceeded to beef with Meek Mill, Minaj’s next boyfriend, culminating in Meek’s goons attacking him at last year’s BET Awards. He also got pushed off the block in the Flatbush neighborhood he grew up in while shooting a music video there — essentially being punked in his own backyard while attempting to prove how tough he is. Ultimately, he turned to reality TV, joining the cast of Love & Hip Hop, where his attention-grabbing antics were similarly clowned.

Nothing, it seemed, could salvage such a trash reputation.

But then, on a random Sunday in February, video of Safaree’s enormous dick leaked online.

Immediately, he was a whole new man, with slew of thirsty sisters treating him like he was Idris Elba.

Even The Breakfast Club, which after the break-up appearance clowned Safaree as hard as anybody, came around. So much so that it’s uncomfortable to watch. Not because co-hosts Charlamagne and Envy are eating an incredible amount of shit for all their shit-talking, but because they’re treating Safaree like the Big Dick Leader they’ve been waiting for their whole lives.

More amazingly still, Safaree’s new song “Hunnid” is actually moving, approaching a million views on YouTube.

The moral of the story?

No matter how wack you are, a big dick will save you.

---

Tarik Jackson

Writer/Director