As soon as Jennifer Coolidge hopped into that tight, lilac dress, cooly lit a cigarette, and in her sultry voice, asked, “Are you lost?”, hot moms became an unwavering staple of fantasies all over the world. Of course, MILFs had been around long before Stifler’s mom made her 1999 debut in American Pie — in fact, a sexy mature woman had previously been referred to as Mrs. Robinson, thanks to 1967’s The Graduate. But it was Coolidge’s character that actualized the modern MILF image — big boobs, blonde hair and a dominant, nonchalant attitude — and cemented their popularity and influence in popular culture. Since then, MILF successors have carried on Coolidge’s legacy — think: “Stacy’s Mom,” the casts of the Real Housewives franchise, Jane Seymour in Wedding Crashers or anything starring Elizabeth Hurley.
But few have embraced the MILF image as much as porn stars. As in life, MILFs in porn never go out of style, and have withstood the test of time as an enduring facet of our desires. In fact, according to Pornhub, “MILF” and “mom” are two of only three terms that have consistently topped search lists for the past seven years. In his book, Tell Me What You Want, sexual psychologist Justin Lehmiller found that 88 percent of straight men had fantazied about MILFs before — recent studies suggest that this is because of the dominant role MILFs supposedly play in sex, which feeds into many men’s desire to be submissive (in contrast to traditional gender expectations in their day-to-day lives). It’s also “taboo,” particularly in the case of fauxcest and stepmom porn (in 2016, “stepmom” even out-ranked “MILF” and “mom” in Pornhub’s most searched terms).
Porn stars who play MILFs put this down to a number of things. First, there tends to be “teen” porn and “MILF” or “‘step-mom” porn, but not much in between. Plus, when a porn performer reaches a certain age — usually her mid- to late-20s — she often automatically becomes a MILF by industry standards. The stereotypical MILF’s more “mature” body type — curvy physique, big boobs — and domineering attitude will always be desirable, too. But while many performers embrace their MILF persona, one porn star (who’s previously been cast as a MILF, but doesn’t want her name associated with the label) tells me that others begrudgingly deal with it. She claims there’s an inside joke that says the most degrading thing you could do to someone in porn is call them a MILF, adding that the title smudges away someone’s personhood. This adds an important, lesser-discussed dimension to the label — for some MILFs, it’s not all sunshine, silicone and naughty step-sons.
Still, for a huge swath of porn performers, being cast as a MILF is lucrative, exciting and confidence-boosting — particularly when you’re a mom in real life. (Though this in itself comes with its own challenges, as any parent in porn could attest to.) Nevertheless, it’s rare that porn MILFs get to sit down together to discuss their simultaneous roles as sex symbols and mothers. So, to delve deeper into the MILF mindset and find out how it affects their performances and private lives, I gathered a few of porn’s hottest moms and step-moms to talk it out.
The MILFs on today’s line-up include…
- Ryan Keely, a former Penthouse Pet who entered the adult industry in 2006, and has since become known as “America’s Favorite Stepmom”
- Elaina St. James, a Midwest mom with “big natural breasts” who started her OnlyFans at the age of 54, and is the author of How to Date Hot Older Women
- Jet Setting Jasmine, a clinical therapist and adult actor, who runs a family community group called Sex Positive Parenting with her partner and porn creator, King Noire
- Tanya Tate, a British performer and 12-time MILF of the Year award-winner, who runs a biweekly podcast titled, Tanya Tate Presents… MILFs Making Money
- Dee Siren, a Hottest MILF nominee and porn performer, director, producer and certified sex educator, who runs her own production studio, Siren XXX Studios
- Britney Amber, an award-winning porn performer and certified sexologist, who got her start in the adult world as a legal sex worker at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch
How did you first get cast as a MILF? Why do you think you were drawn to this particular niche?
Keely: The term “MILF” is just porn shorthand to describe any female performer who looks like they might be over 26, and probably have a blazer in their shoot bag in case they’re playing a lawyer or unspecified boss character. I was a natural fit for these roles, as I look great in business casual, and at 5-foot-9, I’m taller than most of my colleagues — apparently this conveys authority and gravitas!
St. James: I started as an internet model at 54, so by age alone I fit the MILF niche. What I didn’t realize is the potential fanbase at this stage of my life. I am a mother of course, but I also have the big natural breasts and soft MILF tummy that so many of my fans love.
Jet Setting Jasmine: It was my personal decision to label myself a MILF. I wanted to be free and open about my natural body; to highlight the areas I was secure about, and warm up to the areas I was growing secure about. So using that label to self-identify as a woman who has children and still desires and deserves a high level of passion, intimacy and kinky sex was important to me.
Tate: It took me by surprise. I wasn’t too familiar with the term, let alone considered myself a MILF when I first started. After one of my early videos was released, I saw that it had MILF in the title. When I realized this was the predominant role I was getting, I started playing into it and fully embraced it. Being a sexy stepmom or overheated housewife can be fun.
Siren: I didn’t begin my career until I was in my 30s, and I’m a real mom, so it just seemed natural for me to take on the MILF niche.
Amber: I honestly don’t remember the first scene where I was cast as a MILF — it was sometime in my late 20s, when most women start getting cast as MILFs.
What’s the industry like for MILFs, both real and performed?
Jet Setting Jasmine: One of the challenging areas is competing for roles with women who don’t have children, but are categorized as MILFs based on their age and/or body type. Another challenge is that many MILFs in the industry aren’t appreciated for the very things that identify our MILF bodies: stretch marks, supple breasts, breasts that sag, etc. This is something that many of our clients actually love to see. So it can be problematic when someone is seeking porn that represents their body or role, and they find this “white-washed” version — it can set unrealistic expectations.
Tate: It can be lucrative as a performer. I’ve made a healthy living playing the demanding MILF who demands pleasure from their befuddled step-son.
Siren: Being a real mom in the industry has had its ups and downs. It wasn’t a decision I took lightly because I knew it would affect my kids one day. I’ve been ostracized from being part of parent groups and participating in my children’s school activities, and my children have had to deal with bullying by their peers. So it’s definitely something you have to consider, because once entering into the adult world, you’re leveling up to a different plane of society and must face the consequences.
Amber: It’s the best thing being a MILF because we’re dominant and in charge of each scene. When I was shooting teen porn when I was young, it was quite the opposite, so this has been the best time in my career.
How has your casting as a MILF influenced your real-life persona or your thoughts on parenthood?
Keely: [When I came out of porn retirement in 2017], I was surprised by how popular the incest genre had become in my absence — it still baffles me. (Do we blame Game of Thrones? I don’t know — please @ me your theories.) I don’t mind the stepmom scripts — in fact, I enjoy the absurd logic of them — but I’ve never wanted children, so I don’t know if I’d feel differently if I did or if I had them.
St. James: In some ways, it’s made me more protective of my child. In real life, I’m very conservative about how I present myself and, if anything, I’ve become even more so [since making MILF porn], as I have a clear boundary of when I’m working and when I’m mom.
Siren: I’ve always been pretty stern on what types of scenes I will and will not participate in. I did a couple of step-parent scenes, but other than that, I’ve really steered clear of any scenes that portray any type of incest, even if it’s a step relationship. When you’re a real mom or have stepchildren, then your outlook on playing these parts can be different from those who may not have those real relationships.
To what extent do people treat MILFs differently? Do people expect you to mother them in real life?
Jet Setting Jasmine: I’m often treated differently than I see my peers [being treated]. It comes two-fold because I’m a mother of three (going on four) and a psychotherapist. Oftentimes, people expect me to be nurturing, responsible for their safety and wellbeing, and conservative in some of my views. While I’m those things to my children and my partners, it’s not necessarily given to strangers and/or acquaintances — I do have to reserve my caregiving tank for those I am responsible to, including myself.
Tate: The number one fetish that my fans ask me for is the fantasy of having a beautiful, mature, older woman look after them sexually. I’m a nurturing kind of woman, and I play the role well with consenting adults. Also, I get a lot of Mother’s Day cards [from fans]!
Amber: I haven’t had anyone expect me to mother them, but I do feel MILFs get more respect, which I appreciate.
How do you think your persona or perception of being a MILF would change if you actually had kids? Or, how did it change when you had them?
Keely: No matter how one makes a living, choosing to have children will always come with major life changes in ways both anticipated and unexpected. As that’s not my journey, I haven’t marinated on how that might affect my brand, but I’m positive it would.
St. James: I was taught by much of society, and my own mother, that women disappear in a sexual sense once they reach 50. But for me, it was a reawakening to my sexual power. I never felt sexier than when I was pregnant in my early 40s, but it’s just gotten better and better — my confidence, even with my mom bod, has never been higher.
Tate: I don’t think my persona changed much, since my characters have always been an exaggeration of what I thought was a MILF. As for my perception of MILFs — my reality is spending my day in Minnie Mouse pajamas, and not Honey Birdette lingerie.
How do you navigate parenting and porn? What have been the biggest challenges?
St. James: The obstacles are being a solo mother and finding the time to film and take photos. Travel, for instance, would be much easier as a single performer. Also, I was very protective of my child before, but that’s been even more heightened with this career.
Jet Setting Jasmine: We have a brand, Sex Positive Parenting, that provides education, training and testaments to being a porn performer and parents. Our oldest daughter, who’s 21, is the spokesperson for Daughters of Porn Entertainers (D.O.P.E). We’ve decided to navigate this unique, often stigmatized experience very openly and candidly, and take every opportunity to normalize families that include sex workers. The biggest challenge has been what people assume about our family — that we’re irresponsible, or have no boundaries, rules or standards. Our home has a great deal of love, structure, age-appropriate education and conversations about all things. It’s also suggested that our children will go into the industry as well, as if that’s inherently a negative thing.
Amber: I keep my daughter separate from my work and that part of my life, so it hasn’t been that hard. I talk to her and she understands what I do, but she’s never around any of it.
If you could all sit down together for real, what would you want to talk about with other porn MILFs?
Keely: One of my favorite things about the adult industry is that it’s fairly close-knit, so I do get to socialize with fellow performers both on and off set. I’d say we generally talk about business and branding strategies, as almost all of us produce our own content. People talk a lot about their kids, pets, sports, current events… normal stuff.
St. James: First of all, it would be wonderful! I’d love to talk about the timing of how to schedule making content — yes solo, but especially with others. Do their kids know? How much do their kids know? If they’re hiding it (as many do), are they prepared for their kids’ reaction when they do find out? But more interesting would be talking about how they got here — what was their journey to being a MILF entertainer? Plus, of course, talking to them about their glam and anti-aging routines. Also their messages from fans — those are always interesting. I’m very lucky to have a bunch of MILF creator friends, and although they’re primarily online friends, it’s a wonderfully supportive community of women.
Jet Setting Jasmine: I’d love to talk about more ways to diversify our earnings, sustainability, longevity in the adult industry, and developing a community/network where we could retreat as families.
Siren: I’d like to discuss what makes a MILF, and what category could be in between “teen” and “MILF.” And also to talk about the fact that we’re all strong, successful women in this industry, and should have more of a say in the type of scenes we want to produce. I’d like to actually see how many of them truly enjoy the step fetish. Also, at what ages do you start and stop being a MILF? To discuss ageism, and how the labels really keep us in a mode of being objectified instead of humanized.
Amber: I’d want to talk about the super hot orgy we could all be having instead of talking!
Brit Dawson
Brit Dawson is a London-based journalist who mostly writes about sex, women's rights and sex work. She is also the staff writer at Dazed.
