Last month, a brave redditor admitted to screwing up in a way that only men can [sic]:
“I was doing some manscaping, and I had a guard on a set of trimmers — for safety. Somehow, I managed to stab and tear my nutsack open anyway. Fear not: Tis but a flesh wound — not bad enough to warrant calling for help, but bad enough to make me sit there pinching my ball skin for 45 minutes while reflecting on the level of fucktardery that I just performed.”
To alleviate his embarrassment, the redditor also encouraged others to share their most humiliating ‘man moments,’ and as you might imagine, the results are extremely man-barrassing. It makes you wonder, in fact, how most men are still alive, let alone holding most of the keys to power. Anyway, here are some of the most cringe-worthy entries from the thread [sic throughout]:
“I had a condition that required an adult circumcision,” commenter Wachir writes. “The doctor told me to keep my dick as clean as possible so I didn’t do… my daily activity… for a few days. While getting the cut and suture, my gun went to life and fired everywhere. It was the weirdest sensation, with all of the feelings removed because of the medication. I could feel the spasm of my muscles around that area, and I know the nurse dabbed my pelvis and stomach to remove… the liquid. There was a doctor and maybe three nurses. They quietly mopped it up and continued on like nothing happened. I’m so glad I never have to see their faces again.”
“I was vacuuming a pool with a pool vacuum, and I started pulling it out while it was still on — it’s easier to drain when it’s in shallow water,” commenter X_TheRussianSquid_X explains. “Then, it attached itself to my left testicle through my boardshorts, and I genuinely thought I was going to be castrated by a fucking pool vacuum.”
“During my freshman year of college, a rather good looking girl was sitting on my dorm room bed at 2 a.m. while peeling the wrapping off of a plastic bottle,” commenter ChucksnCheers writes. “She then said, ‘Did you know that people who peel the wrapping off of bottles like this are sexually frustrated?’ My reply was: ‘Huh, you learn something new everyday.’ She left, and I would go on being a virgin for a little while longer.”
“We live next to the main street between Cantons (I live in Switzerland), but our balcony is on the side that’s away from the street, and it’s covered by a big tree,” commenter Delachruz writes. “So usually, I’m fairly comfortable getting a breath of fresh air in the morning, even in my underpants.”
“One day I was setting up my usual coffee after getting up, and I walked outside in boxers with a bad case of morning wood,” Delachruz continues. “I realized too late that about a dozen teenagers on a camping trip, led by a young woman, were standing on the trail next to the main street. So I stood there for a couple seconds, with my flagpole raised above the fence, before slowly sliding back into the house. I’m not sure if it’s related, but we haven’t seen any campers around here since.”
“Once upon a time, my boyfriend experienced his first wet dream,” commenter ilovechaps writes. “However, when he took off his boxers to take a shower, his ‘goo’ was black — keep in mind that he had never been informed, warned or educated about wet dreams, so he sees this weird black goo, starts absolutely panicking and CALLS FOR HIS MOM. His mom and little sister run into the bathroom and start staring into his nut-filled boxer briefs (YIKES). She’s never seen anything like it, so she runs him to the doctor.”
“Turns out, he had bought new boxers, and the black was just lint kinda running into his semen and changing the color,” ilovechaps continues. “My boyfriend learned about wet dreams from his doctor. RIP.”
“I grew up in the woods, and running around while peeing on slugs was my friend’s and my hobby of choice,” commenter Howard_the_Dolphin explains (I’m not going to question this hobby, because I don’t even want to know). “We’d always see how far away we could stand from our victims while executing our urination assassinations. I always won, and consequently, had a reputation within my friend group for having ‘strong weiner muscles.’ So one day, I was fully loaded and out slug hunting, but I couldn’t find any slugs. I was about to burst, so I gave up the hunt and whipped my little guy out to relieve myself.
“Now, like I said, I was the undisputed distance champion in the group, but we’d never even thought about measuring how high we could pee. So instead of aiming outward, I aimed up and let it flow. Now, I didn’t want to introduce a new event in our Micturition Olympiad if I didn’t think I could win — obviously, I needed to know just how high my stream could reach, so I looked down… and then I screamed and danced around in agony in the middle of the woods with my second-grade wiener flopping around and pissing everywhere like a little rogue fire hose. That’s the story of how I peed into my own eye.”
“I took a shower, got out, put a robe on, walked to the kitchen, made soup in a cup and sat down while manspreading,” commenter AFSierra writes. “My robe opens at the crotch, and my sleeve hit the cup, pouring boiling soup all over my wenis and beans. I scream, run to the shower and spray cold water onto my undercarriage. I was alone, thankfully, but I was mortified, embarrassed and in severe pain. I must have stood there for an hour under cold water. Lesson learned: No hot liquids while nude or partially nude.”
“A buddy of mine sat on his balls in the pub one night, and I spent about five minutes making fun of him,” commenter GucciJesus writes. “Then I went to the bar for drinks, came back and sat on my balls.”
Christ. We’re all fucked, aren’t we?