1-23-19

Making Birtherism Great Again, Where #MeToo Is Falling Short and the Anti-Masturbation Bowl of Cereal

I always knew there was a reason to hate Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, but I thought it was because they taste like wet cardboard. Nope, turns out they’re a stealthy ploy to get guys to give up the five-knuckle shuffle, and in the words of BuzzFeed, I’m shook.

I had a feeling such a foodstuff might exist, but color me surprised that Big Cereal would put all its eggs in the Corn Flakes basket, considering they’re flat-out wrong about its anti-masturbation properties. In fact, the best anti-masturbation food isn’t a lowly bowl of cereal — it’s gotta be Panda Express, Taco Bell or any other fast food. Hear me out: Besides the physiological reasons all those trans-fats might actually prevent you from beating your meat, I’m sure the last thing a guy wants to do after loading up on three helpings of Orange Chicken is jerk off. A long nap sounds way better.

Must Read

“Why the MAGA Guys Will Always Come Back to Birtherism”
Everything old is new again. Case in point: This business with Kamala Harris and MAGA dummy Jacob Wohl claiming that the California senator isn’t eligible for the presidency because of, well, reasons?:

Lol.

Miles Klee explains that these birther conspiracies aren’t likely to go away anytime soon as long as conservatives believe racism works. READ MORE

Any Day Now

It’s easy to see that the #MeToo movement has made inroads taking high-profile men to task for their shitty behavior. But it hasn’t been the out-and-out success many have hoped for, and that’s because, while predators like Harvey Weinstein and Les Moonves have fallen, working women have yet to see an impact on their lower-profile lives.

Bringing Home the Bacon

For the past couple of decades, in Europe and especially in the U.S., the proportion of women who are the major earners in their families has grown. This trend, of course, has turned on its head what has long been considered the status quo: That men earn more than women. Surprisingly, though, the reality of the man of the household being the sole breadwinner hasn’t actually been around that long.

This Is Your Sperm on Weed

Bad news, potheads: Researchers are thinking that, if you’d like to have kids in your future, you might want to resist the urge to “toke up,” “get baked” or “smoke the hippie lettuce,” to use the parlance of our times. That’s because THC loves to fuck with your sperm, and that might lead to developmental issues with your future progeny.

Risking It All for the ‘Beef Jerky’ Look

Search Google Images for “Hugh Jackman,” and inevitably, you’ll find this picture:

Mmmm… vascular. How does a man get that jacked? For starters, he cuts out all liquids — including water — from his diet 36 hours before filming. And while that might work for an actor surrounded by a medical staff, it’s mega-dangerous for everyone else. But that hasn’t stopped water-cutting bodybuilders from risking serious injury for an extra edge over the competition.

It Burns, It Burrrrnnnnsss

Dudes: If you’re not peeing after sex, you’re risking the Flame of Anor on your gentleman parts. Ladies aren’t the only ones to get UTIs, you see, and while they’ve long been taught to make a tinkle after making whoopie, men are still wondering why their dicks feel like hot-glue guns a couple of days after a strenuous fucking. Here’s who’s most at risk for a UTI, and what to do if you feel the burn.

Work Dumb, Not Gay

Guys love an opportunity to “work smarter, not harder.” Some men, apparently, draw the line at anything considered “too feminine,” like this guy who fucked up his back changing a light bulb because he refused to use a step stool:

And that’s just scratching the surface — Hussein Kesvani found multiple instances on Twitter of dudes doing dumb shit to look like more of a man.

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Apollo and Rocky. Aiden and Big. Pop culture is no slouch when it comes to capturing the uniquely masculine phenomenon of fighting a dude only to become friends with him afterwards. So what’s going on here, and is this really one of those weird guy things? According to researchers, it’s all about evolutionary psychology.

A Bowl of Corn Flakes a Day Keeps the Masturbation Away

Here’s a humdinger of a fact: Kellogg’s Corn Flakes aren’t infinitely mediocre by accident — they’re actually an essential part of a balanced diet designed to STOP YOU FROM JERKING IT. At least, that’s what old man John Harvey Kellogg had in mind when he invented the flavorless corn wafers. Because, according to the thinking at the time, nothing stops choking the chicken in its tracks like a bland diet.