Am I the only one highly invested in knowing how long it takes the human body to shit a brick? Naturally, I’m referring to a LEGO brick, not a brick brick, but you gotta take the jokes when they come to you, ya know?
Besides, I can’t be the only one who yearns for such knowledge. It’s not like we come up with ideas like this apropos of nothing. No, we read the social chatter, we keep up with poop-related trends, and duh, we focus group. J/k, we do none of that, so perhaps it is just me.
Still, if toilet stuff is your particular brand of tea, you should read on — today’s posts have a little something for everyone (including, obviously, how quickly you can pass the head of a LEGO character).
Must Read
“What Does Military Service Look Like for a Gen Z Soldier?”
The U.S. military is currently in the midst of a deep recruiting crisis. To wit, of the 33 million Gen Zers of recruitment age, only 136,000 meet the military’s standards or show the requisite interest. And those who do sign on the dotted line find that the Armed Forces are nothing like how Hollywood has portrayed them. READ MORE
Diap’ Up
Bill Cassidy always looks like he's trying to hide a boner while also filling his diaper pic.twitter.com/RWOdWyR13I
— joe mande (@JoeMande) September 22, 2017
Look, I’m not going to tell you that I fully understand all the nuances of this Miles Klee piece on the intersection between diapers and the sad, broken political discourse that has befallen our great nation. What I will tell you is, I laughed my butt off while reading it.
First Line of Defense
In the ongoing battle against sexual assault, few professionals are in as vital a position to intervene on a victim’s behalf as bartenders. In fact, that’s the prevailing notion behind Safe Bars, a nonprofit based in Washington, D.C. whose mission is to teach bartenders and bar patrons how to spot the signs of a sketchy situation, and intervene if necessary.
Marwage Is So Hawd
I’ve got some news, you guys — Justin and Hailey Bieber have already discovered, after a brisk four months of marriage, that being hitched isn’t all puppy dogs, rainbow and ice cream:
"Marriage is very hard," @haileybieber revealed in her and @justinbieber's cover interview for the March issue of @voguemagazine. https://t.co/1hLtxWnbNN pic.twitter.com/QoRZPSvsCL
— Vogue Australia (@vogueaustralia) February 8, 2019
Dang — four months?!?!? It’s gotta take a least a couple of, I dunno, decades before you bust out the “marriage is hard” card, right? Tracy Moore investigates what might have gone wrong for the newlyweds in their struggle for marital bliss.
Fried Chicken Sandos, Ranked
Who doesn’t love a fried chicken sandwich? A succulent breast (or thigh, if you’re into that sort of thing) locked in the warm embrace of a soft roll, along with some mayonnaise and/or slaw that’s meant to keep the smoking-hot bird meat both moist and lubricated.
Yeah, I made it sexy.
Unfortunately, not all fried chicken sandos have your best interests at heart — in fact, they’re on a mission to fuck up your heart with all those trans fats. That’s why it’ll be worth your while to check out this ranking of fast-food chicken sandwiches according to how healthy they are.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
One minute you’re delivering some food, catching some waves or unwinding from work. The next, someone’s life is in danger. When it happened to these three regular guys, they didn’t freeze, panic or chicken (sando) out — instead, they became instant heroes.
Bad Brains
Look, I know I’m blubbering into my extremely full glass of male privilege, but sometimes guys do get the short end of the stick. Take, for instance, our brains: Compared to ladies’ noodles, ours are old AF, and getting older by the minute. What the heck?!?!
We Did The Math: The LEGO Poop Math
Not sure why you’d ever want to know this, honestly. Unless, of course, you’re anything like me and stuff like this fascinates you. But on the off-chance you ever eat a LEGO brick — accidentally or otherwise — and you’re wondering how long until it appears in your toilet bowl, we asked a couple of researchers who literally pooped out the toys for science about the path their LEGOs traveled from the moment they swallowed them to their final resting place in the commode.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
