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On the Plus Side, This Election Season May Have Been Good for My Prostate?

My ass has been clenched since election talk began, so I must assume my prostate is becoming insanely buff

The moment people started talking about this nerve-wracking election, my ass cheeks pressed together with the force of a thousand Himbo giants, and they never loosened up: My hole remains sealed like the tomb of Jesus, and my glutes are more powerful than any stone found on this miserable planet.

I have a severe case of nerves, okay?

But in an effort to look on the bright side, I like to tell myself that all this clenching has been doing wonders for my prostate, since I might as well be engaging in the longest kegel known to man, and kegels are supposed to help with symptoms of an enlarged prostate by strengthening the muscles of your pelvic floor. After all, in the video below, Australian pelvic floor physiotherapist Michelle Kenway describes kegels as, in short, sitting on the edge of your seat and clenching, which perfectly encapsulates my life for the last several weeks.

But just to make sure my prostate is actually benefiting from all this clenching, I reached out to a handful of prostate experts for affirmation… aaannnddd the only response I got besides complete non-answers was from a representative for Prostate Cancer U.K., who said, “In all honesty, it’s not something I’ve heard of.”

As I became increasingly concerned, I poked around the internet and learned that a person can, in fact, engage in too much kegeling, and that doing so may cause chronic pelvic floor tension, which can manifest as constipation, pelvic pain, painful urination and other awful-sounding stuff. Making matters worse, the very stress causing my constant clenching can lessen prostate health. To top off the shitstorm of bad news, clenching is one of the least effective glute exercises out there, which brings my journey for a phat man-ass to a screeching halt, too.

Well, shit.

I guess for the sake of my prostate, my mental health and my future ass gains, I need to take a deep breath, unclench and quite possibly chomp into a lemon

Wish me luck.