I never think twice about how I hold my dick while peeing: My thumb rests on top, my index finger provides support from underneath and my other three fingers gently cradle the shaft for additional stability. For anyone interested in even more of my personal dick-holding habits, a tighter version of this grip can also be used for jacking off. This is, after all, the most natural way to hold your own dick, and therefore, the way that most men inevitably choose to do so.
But three days ago, while aimlessly scrolling through the depths of Reddit, I was exposed to a new man with a new way of holding his dick while peeing. “When I’m draining the lizard, I hold it like I just played scissors in a game of rock-paper-scissors,” redditor u/zaparans awkwardly admits [sic]. “I hold my penis like a girthy cigarette.”
Bro… what in the absolute fuck?
In his defense, this redditor at least seems to understand that his technique is abnormal, mentioning that he recently found out that his friends all use the grip I described above. The vast majority of commenters, too, agree that my method is the best method.
But of course, a select few admit that they, too, hold their dicks differently while peeing. Commenter u/dirtysoutherngent, for instance, explains that he holds his dick with both hands, “Like a baseball bat.” (Sure, fella. Just like a baseball bat.)
Commenter u/supertojoe, meanwhile, uses a technique that makes me want to punch him directly through my computer screen. “I hold it up by the extra skin, kinda like how cats pick up their kittens by the extra scruff of skin on the back of their necks,” he writes [sic]. You are an absolute monster.
Finally, a technique that I can at least somewhat understand: “Since I installed a urinal in my bathroom, I don’t hold shit,” commenter u/BrautanGud writes. “I just let the little fucker run its own show.” Hey, sometimes going no-hands is actually pretty freeing. Honestly, though, I don’t feel like getting into why someone would ever install a urinal in their own bathroom — I just hope he has a good icemaker.
All of this talk about dick-holding, however, left me wondering whether my method was indeed as correct as I once believed, so I reached out to Alex Shteynshlyuger, Director of Urology at the New York Urology Specialists, for advice.
First things first, the poster of this Reddit thread will be happy to know that, according to Shteynshlyuger, “There’s no wrong way to hold the penis while peeing.” That said, Shteynshlyuger does provide a few simple tips to ensure that you pee effortlessly, no matter what grip you choose:
- If you’re uncircumcised, Shteynshlyuger says, “pulling the foreskin back while peeing can improve hygiene and minimize the risk of infection.” Also, as uncut guys know all too well, it stops it spraying everywhere.
- Shteynshlyuger also warns that holding your penis by the very tip can narrow the urethra, making it harder to pee, “especially if you squeeze it a bit.”
- Finally, Shteynshlyuger explains that, if you use my method, “Don’t press too hard, since the index finger can constrict the urethra, causing difficulty urinating and sometimes causing a split in the stream, where urine sprays all over the place.”
Now then, please excuse me while I fancily try holding my dick like a cigar.