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If Those Are the Aliens, They Need Better Whips

We’d be more amped about UFOs if they didn’t look like shit

The news at this stage of civilization is a horrible game of “Why aren’t we talking about this?” Whatever issue you find most pressing — or mind-boggling, or world-altering — simply isn’t getting the coverage it deserves.

This week, for science nerds and conspiracy enthusiasts, that topic is the Pentagon’s decision to “officially” release three classified U.S. Navy videos of “unexplained aerial phenomena,” which resemble unidentified aircrafts. How, some wonder, is it possible that we’re meeting this perplexing footage with a shrug, especially as it was first brought to light by UFO truther Tom DeLonge, formerly of beloved pop-punk band Blink-182? 

There are a few reasons these clips haven’t taken the world by storm. First, thanks to DeLonge, we already saw them back in 2017; this is just the government admitting they’re genuine. Second, UFOs are not uncommon; pilots have encountered such visuals since World War II, and a mysterious “object” does not necessarily equal “alien spaceship.”

Finally, let’s go ahead and say it: If these are advanced aircraft built and piloted by non-human intelligence… they look like shit.

Come on now, aliens. I know you didn’t develop faster-than-light travel to visit our junkyard planet in something that looks like a Toyota Prius had sex with a bedbug. What is this shit? Fuck outta here with your Atari-ass design. We haven’t been giving you luxury whips in our sci-fi movies for you to show up in economy models.

But here I am, looking at hovering blobs that may as well be smudges on a high school math teacher’s overhead projector. If you’re going to be seen (and I assume that you deliberately let yourselves be recorded), you should try to cut a better figure. That is why nobody’s talking about your little expeditions in Earth’s atmosphere: because all we can make out is a couple of beans tumbling through the sky.

I am begging you to step it up.     

Normally, I’m not one to judge someone else’s ride. God knows my Jetta is pretty banged up — then again, I’m not traveling to other galaxies to represent the species in it, am I? Do us a favor: Come back when you’re flying a real cherry number with massive rims and tinted windows. Until then, you’re just embarrassing yourself on these streets.

Bet you’ve still got a flip phone, too.