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The Planet Is Dying. Renewable Fish Cum Plastics Are Here to Save It

The plastics are made from hydrogels, which can be made from almost anything. For some reason, researchers went with salmon cum

Our plastic use is killing our oceans. So what if — hear me out here — the solution involved using fish cum instead? 

Finally, the future is upon us, and scientists have figured out how to use all that salmon sperm we’ve got laying around to create cups, utensils, water bottles and other things we like to put in our mouths. 

As Euro News reported, a team of scientists at Tianjin University in China took two strands of DNA from salmon sperm and combined them with a binding agent derived from vegetable oil. Together, a substance called hydrogel was created, capable of being molded into a variety of shapes and then freeze-dried to a solid form. The scientists were able to make a cup, puzzle pieces and a DNA molecule figurine from the cum-clay. 

Apparently, hydrogel of this nature can be made from almost any genetic material, whether that be human hair, pond algae or excess waste from crops. They decided to use salmon sperm just for fun, I guess. Hypothetically, they could probably make hydrogel from human sperm, too. 

Of course, the benefit of all of this isn’t just that we now get to have everyday objects made out of fish jizz, though that’s obviously a big plus. Instead, the benefit is that this stuff is way, way more environmentally friendly. For starters, it produces 97 percent fewer carbon emissions during production than traditional plastic. More significantly, it won’t survive for millions of years, poison our bloodstream and destroy wildlife like traditional plastic. 

According to the researchers, hydrogel can be totally recycled by simply melting it down with water. This throws a bit of a wrench in the cup/water bottle/utensil plan, given that any of these forms would probably mean they’d touch water. However, researchers think there might be some type of water-resistant coating that could make hydrogel products withstand some water exposure but still be recycled down eventually. 

But if this sperm salmon hydrogel can be dissolved in water, does that mean it will enter our water supply and get other salmon pregnant? I’m sending a carrier pigeon to Tianjin University to answer this question as we speak. As for whether human sperm hydrogel could get a human pregnant, the answer is presumably “no.” Hydrogel requires very little DNA to be made, so it probably doesn’t contain a reproductively viable amount of cum to begin with. Besides, in any water supply, it would be totally diluted beyond recognition. More than that, as I’ve explained previously, the vaginal canal doesn’t just, like, absorb water when someone goes swimming. 

Basically, it’s not going to impregnate a human being. But I’m not enough of a salmon semen expert to confidently speak on their behalf. In any case, it’s an exciting development for plastic-haters and salmon-lovers worldwide.