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How to Concede, You Goddamn Loser

Democrat Doug Jones, a former federal prosecutor, won a special election to fill a vacant senate seat for the state of Alabama. His Republican opponent, Roy Moore — a pro-slavery, anti-gay, gun-humping Islamophobic equestrian accused of pursuing sexual relationships with a number of underage girls — did not. Roy is having some trouble wrapping his head around that fact.

Interesting that this clip from NBC is labeled “Roy Moore Delivers Concession Speech From Alabama,” because Roy Moore does no such thing in it. Although every media outlet projected Jones as the winner, and President Trump congratulated Jones on the victory, Moore just blathered on about how the race wasn’t over: “And we still got to go by the rules about this recount provision, and Secretary of State has explained it to us and we’re expecting that the press will go up there and talk to them to find out what the situation is,” he said, unconvincingly. “But we also know that God is always in control.”

Bitch, ain’t gonna be a recount for your fake-cowboy ass. Concede. Now. Since you seem unsure of how to do that, I’ll go ahead and lay out the fundamentals for you.

Do: Show up. I’ll give Roy credit for one thing — he did actually appear in a room to address supporters and staff after losing. Remember when Hillary Clinton didn’t even do that? She talked to Trump on the phone, knew he’d won, and, like, went to bed, leaving an entire Javits Center full of sleepy, weepy Democrats to their own devices right when they could have used some words of comfort. Waiting till the morning after to concede was an insulting punt, considering how hard most of those people had campaigned. Exactly the kind of sulking that had the MAGA crowd jeering “You lost! Get over it! Build the wall! Snowflake cucks!” for the next, oh… [checks watch] eight thousand years.

Don’t: Brandish a weapon. Roy made headlines by pulling a gun at one of his rallies, after which he went on to win the GOP primary, so he may be tempted to flash his dinky lady’s revolver again. And I know he won’t believe me when I say this, but tacitly threatening the other guy with violent assault is not a great look for politicians! Check out how awkwardly it went for Carl Paladino, who in 2010 tried to weave an elaborate metaphor about beating New York Governor-elect Andrew Cuomo with a baseball bat after losing in a landslide. Hard to imagine why nobody voted for this unhinged racist!

Do: Be grateful and humble. Roy, if you have any shot of doing this right, you’ll need to muster your single infinitesimal iota of Christian character and try to thank the people who helped you get this far, heroically overlooking what a gigantic piece of shit you are. It wouldn’t hurt, either, to acknowledge your many, many imperfections, and how you really have no one but yourself to blame for losing a seat in Congress previously held by Jefferson fucking Sessions. For inspiration, look to former vice president Al Gore, who rose above his limitations as a communicator to deliver an address after the chaotically extended 2000 presidential contest that many believe was his most eloquent: “Some have asked whether I have any regrets,” he said. “And I do have one regret — that I didn’t get the chance to stay and fight for the American people over the next four years, especially for those who need burdens lifted and barriers removed, especially for those who feel their voices have not been heard. I heard you and I will not forget.”

Don’t: Act like a salty bastard and blame everyone else. Concessions are about accepting reality (admittedly not Moore’s strong suit), but they’re also about accepting responsibility — to your country, its people, the democratic process and the peaceful transfer of power. Lashing out, as Richard Nixon did at the close of the 1962 gubernatorial race in California, only underscores how unlikable you were to begin with. I know what you’re thinking: Years after Nixon gave his so-called “last press conference,” claiming that the media and Americans wouldn’t have him “to kick around anymore,” he captured the presidency! You’re right, and it was his ability to play the whining victim that carried his administration to unequivocal success in every way.

Do: Actually concede. This is by far the most important part, Roy, and the one you already managed to bungle, but: You will need to concede in your concession speech. The thing is, when you don’t do this, you’re forced to fill the time with other crap — how your own party failed you, how you refuse to even utter the word “unity,” or, in your case, how God may yet overturn the results in certain precincts. None of this will make you any friends, and when you inevitably come crawling out of the sewer like Stephen King’s It to take another shot at office — or, you know, just terrorize adolescents — everyone will remember this rambling, mealy-mouthed foolishness. Put your stupid hat on, be glad you’re not getting prosecuted, and tell the sorry masses on your side: “I blew it.” You may feel assured of the almighty creator’s forgiveness, but theirs is harder to come by.