Like most things in life, there’s always more to learn on the long road toward sexual fulfillment. Books, forums and chats with friends can all help unlock valuable bedroom tips, but sometimes the best — and most brutally honest — advice comes from your sexual partners, who know your routines and moves better than anyone else.
Twenty-nine-year-old Josh spent his youth feeling pretty confident in his cunnilingus skills, which earned him the nickname of “pussy whisperer” from an ex-partner. “I used to shake my head back and forth so my tongue and nose would be basically vibrating on the clit,” he explains. “Then I met my current SO, who told me my pussy-eating skills weren’t so good — she said it was a ‘weird method.’”
Josh describes his partner as “pretty gay — I’m lucky she’s even remotely into dudes,” so when she told him to “focus on the button and the button alone” (i.e., to lick the clit directly), he trusted her advice immediately. “I know she’s an expert in the pussy-eating arena, and since then I’ve gotten no complaints.”
It’s easy to repeat mantras like “communication is key” when it comes to fucking, but it’s clearly easier said than done. After all, when we’re naked, sweaty and contorted into complex positions, it’s easy to stay quiet and stick to our own tried-and-tested methods. Yet, these don’t always work. The orgasm gap, which statistically shows cis, straight women cum way, way less than cis, straight guys, is still very real — and, to state the obvious, everyone has different kinks and turn-ons.
Porn performer and ACLU sex-work advisor Lotus Lain has spent years in the adult industry, so she often finds herself giving people simple, direct advice: “Stop trying to do ‘impressive’ shit!” Partners often attempt to “recreate the porn that they’ve seen,” she explains, alluding to them jackhammering away instead of taking their time. Lain’s other tip is to slow down and enjoy the moment — it’s not always about cumming, and it’s worth soaking up every second.
Surprisingly, over on Reddit, the tales of shared advice are downright heartwarming. “[The best advice I ever got is] open your eyes,” writes one anonymous user. “My ex-wife and I had sex for 20 years without really looking at each other. My current wife got on top of me the first time we had sex, grabbed my head, told me to open my eyes, put my face right up to her boobs and said, ‘Look at them!’” Another — a swinger in an open marriage — was taught by his wife to “treat the clit as an egg yolk, the right pressure to touch it and do circles around it with your fingers is the same pressure you would apply on an egg yolk and not break it.”
Many of these same themes popped up when I took to my social channels to crowdsource answers:
- “Don’t press [the clit] harder than you would an eyeball.”
- “To paraphrase a Marvel movie: ‘Arrogance and fear keep you from learning the simplest and most significant lesson of all: It’s not about you.’”
- “My best advice? G.G.G. — Be good, be generous and be game!”
- “When choking, apply more pressure to the sides of the neck (against the carotid arteries) and less against the windpipe.”
- “Tell me exactly what and where you want to be touched, and for how long.”
- “After the first orgasm, don’t ask me to stop — even though it might feel unbearable. Push through it for a second, even third, more intense and fulfilling orgasm, and you’re much more likely to squirt, too.”
What about the professionals?
Gigi Engle, sex educator and author of All The Fucking Mistakes, advises straight-up questioning on “what positions work for your partner and what feels good — let them be the center of attention sometimes.”
These conversations might be awkward and leave you questioning your own sexual prowess, but they’ll also make you much better in bed (you only really learn from your mistakes, right?).
Now go out there and delicately finger some egg yolks.