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Would I Be Ballin’ If I Sold a Testicle?

Or am I gonna have to do Postmates again?

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that life ain’t cheap. Unfortunately, that means many of us are forced to take drastic measures when bills start piling up. So, um, seeing as I’ve got an extra, how much is a testicle worth? And, uh, can you sell a testicle, like legally? 

Seems I have some questions to answer before I exchange my roly-poly for cold, hard cash.

Can You Sell a Testicle?

Not legally (which, major blow to my retirement plan). The National Organ Transplant Act, signed in 1984, bans the sale of human organs, and that includes your ball(s). If you do engage in any nut-involved transactions, you could face a five-year prison sentence and/or a fine of up to $50,000. (If you venture to Iran, however, they have a system that involves “paid donations” in exchange for organs, so you may be able to fetch some cash for a ball there.)

What you can do is donate your dead body, ball(s) included, for education or research. A body broker could subsequently sell your body — usually for $5,000 to $10,000 — but you’d be way too dead to see a penny. There are some regulations that aim to control these kinds of sales, though for now, it remains a messy business.

The one other option is selling your ball on the black market, but it’s tough to say how much you’d get for it. The FBI seized a price list for the underground market a few years ago, and a full pelvis was listed for only $1,750.  A single nut likely goes for much cheaper.

That said, there are a few other considerations, so don’t get discouraged yet.

How Much is a Testicle Worth?

So, you can’t directly sell your ball, at least not legally. But that doesn’t mean it’s worthless. If you were to lose a testicle on the job, for example, the national average worker’s comp payout is $27,678. But due to a lack of federal oversight, it really depends which state you’re in when your nut makes its departure: If you’re in Illinois, you’re looking at a payout of $73,537. In Minnesota, however, you’ll only get $3,750. So maybe look into where you’re living before “having an accident.”

There’s also the case of a Nevada man who, in 2013, hoped to have his testicle removed for $35,000 as part of a medical trial. (He planned to use the money to buy a new Nissan.) However, the researchers weren’t interested in buying his ball so much as seeing what would happen if they replaced it with an artificial one. Plus, there’s no evidence that the Nevada man actually went through with the trial.

Now, before we finish up today, there is one more question we should address… 

Why Would You Want to Sell Your Testicle?

If you’ve made it here and can’t wrap your head around why someone would want to sell a ball, here are some reasons from dudes on Reddit:

  • “College isn’t cheap.”
  • “It’s not like I’m going to have any use for it.”
  • “Money’s money, and I was blessed with a spare.”
  • “That would almost get me out of debt.”
  • “I could buy at least two WWI Maxim guns.”
  • “I don’t really need them for procreation.”
  • “Hate balls.”

Too bad there’s no good way to actually make it happen. Guess I’ll just have to do Uber then.