Thor is fat in the new Avengers: Endgame movie. That’s all I can tell you, since my editor threatened to “string you up from yonder gibbet by your pillicok” if I give away any spoilers (did I mention he is both British and a giant nerd). Now, I have no idea what a pillicok is, but whatever the case, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be strung up by it.
But that’s all fine and good, since today, all we’re doing is speculating how quickly Thor could theoretically transform from ultimate hardbody into the potato man he is in Endgame, so we don’t have to talk about any specifics.
No, the larger question here is, how quickly can your gym body turn all flabby-like when you stop exercising and start eating and drinking shit? The answer, as you might have expected, really depends on your genetics and how much junk you’re putting into your body.
“Of course, everyone’s different,” says Jonathan Jordan, a group instructor at Equinox Fitness. “It depends on your genetics and how fit, shredded or muscular you are to begin with: The more fit and muscular you are, the more time you have in the bank before your full-on dad bod sets in.”
Jeff Jalaba, a certified personal trainer in L.A., seconds this notion. “There’s always the genetics side of it,” he says. “Certain people have a better metabolism; their body produces more muscle naturally. Some people get strong and lean a lot faster, and it may take them longer to get out of it.”
In general, though, Jordan says this is what you can expect in the weeks and months after you stop taking care of yourself:
- One Week In: You’re “feeling like shit both mentally and physically,” says Jordan, adding that you have low energy and slow brain power.
- Two to Three Weeks In: “Your clothes start fitting tighter, and you begin to see the body fat coming on,” Jordan explains. “You look less cut and shredded. You feel worse. You’re a sloth. Your cardiovascular health is crap.”
- One to Three Months In: “You have a full-blown dad bod,” Jordan emphasizes. “Plus, your brain is mushy. Your muscles and fascia likely hurt from your desk job and not stretching. You have no conditioning. Your libido is gone, and your penis hates you.”
So, not at all dramatic, then.
Jalaba also says, when your body becomes accustomed to a healthy diet and consistent workouts, falling out-of-shape can be even easier. “Your body’s kind of running off of the current stimuli you’re giving it, so when that goes away, it hasn’t been rewired, so it’s a lot easier to go back to where your body was,” he says. Which probably explains all those buff guys who played high school football looking like they had middle age spread within months of graduation.
All of which is to say, don’t worry, Thor — life is a cruel joke, and apparently, those years you spent working on a six-pack can be completely undone in about a month.
Verily, this world needeth smiting, brother.
Ian Lecklitner
Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.
