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How Fucked Am I After Going into the Ocean with My Wallet?

Way less fucked than I expected, but still pretty fucked…

It was my first day of vacation, and I was boozing on the beach. Naturally, I got completely wasted and stupidly decided that it would be a good idea to sprint into the ocean… without emptying my pockets. Now, all of my shit is soaked, and my life is in shambles.

If you can’t tell, I’m freaking out here. But alas, I need to be an adult and assess the situation. So, without further ado, let’s take a look at just how fucked up all of my precious stuff is. *crosses fingers*

Credit Cards

I’m relieved to find out that both the chips and magnetic strips on credit cards are sealed in plastic, meaning credit cards are essentially water-proof. Phew! We’re off to a good start.


Unlike regular paper, the U.S. dollar is composed of cotton and linen, which — fortunately for me — prevents water from causing them to break apart. That said, I’ll definitely need to dry out these bills before spending them on another margarita. Apparently, this can be done by simply placing them between two paper towels, then leaving the bills to dry under a gentle fan.


Devices that are designed to be waterproof are given a rating from the International Electrotechnical Commission: The iPhone 7, iPhone 7 Plus, iPhone 8, iPhone 8 Plus and iPhone X all carry an IP67 rating, which means they should withstand immersion in up to three feet of water for 30 minutes — any deeper or longer, and they may perish. It’s worth noting, however, that Apple strongly advises against exposing their products to salt water, which might explain why my iPhone is uncontrollably flashing on and off.

If you happen to make this same mistake, here’s what you can do to (possibly) revive your waterlogged iPhone:

  • Step #1: Power off the phone — this will prevent the possibility of a short circuit.
  • Step #2: Remove moisture on the outside of the device with a lint-free towel.
  • Step #3: Place the phone in a bag of uncooked rice for 24 to 36 hours — this is meant to draw out moisture from the inside of the phone.

If that doesn’t work, well, you may be shit out of luck.


Welp, looks like I’ll be in Mexico for longer than I expected: According to the State Department, “Damage that might require you to replace your passport includes water damage, a significant tear, unofficial markings on the data page, missing visa pages (torn out), a hole punch or other injuries.” That means I’ll have to contact the nearest U.S. Embassy, which can issue a replacement. Fuuuuck, I just wanted to drink in the suuuuun…

Car Keys

While manual keys can (obviously) handle being submerged in water, my car uses a keyless remote, which makes this situation a little trickier. Many of these remotes should survive a brief soak, but there are a few steps you can take to ensure that the water doesn’t do permanent damage:

  • Step #1: Use a rag to dry the remote as quickly as you can.
  • Step #2: Remove the battery, and allow the innards to air out for at least a day.
  • Step #3: Replace the battery.

If that doesn’t work, you may have to contact your dealer for a new one. See final thought of previous entry.

Hotel Room Key

Fortunately, key cards are totally waterproof, which means I can can make everything even damper with my tears in the comfort of my own hotel room. Yay…