There are two sides to every breakup. In the best of all possible versions, I’d venture that at least one of you shows up at Hooters on Valentine’s Day clutching a picture of your ex, feeds it into a shredder, and gets free wings for it.
It’s pretty simple: All you’d have to do is find a picture of your ex, put it on a thumb drive, then locate an open Fedex/Kinko’s, drive there, wait around for a working printer that makes nice, glossy photos, wait for it to fuck up, get a Kinko’s employee to troubleshoot, get a picture, get back in your car, sob helplessly as you gaze upon the person who broke your heart, wipe off those tears, then go to your nearest (or farthest from people you actually know) Hooters on Valentine’s Day and get in line, where you will then proceed to publicly humiliate yourself, all for a plate of boneless wings you could just order to go for about $10, give or take. Still with me? Let’s do this.
As a Valentine’s Day promotion, Hooters (of orange-shorted, panty-hosed and ample-bosomed fame) is offering free wings to “single” people who are willing to shred their ex for the bounty, Thrillist reported. Called “Shred ’Em and Forget ‘Em,” it operates on the faulty logic that anyone still in possession of a hard copy of their ex, or who is willing to actually print it out and carry it somewhere publicly, and then do anything with it while other people watch, would be the same sort of person who would “forget ‘em” after doing so.
I think it’s safe to say that if this is the promotion for you, you’ve got some healing left still. Of course, Hooters doesn’t know what’s in your heart — you could have moved on long ago, but still feel like Laura’s face is worth watching get sliced into dozens of irretrievable pieces in exchange for a free basket of 1,700 calories, and who could blame you? (Other than Laura.)
But perhaps this promotion, alongside news that the breastaurant will soon open chains called Hoots that employee male and female servers (none of whom will be dressed skimpily), is a sign Hooters really does care about its customers.
If you don’t like public humiliation or semi-literal evisceration of an ex for some free grub, you can just shred a picture online, too. You fill out a quiz asking how long you were together, how you broke up (in person, or say, by text), how long it’s been since you called it quits, and if you’re male or female; then you’re guided to whether the best way to forget ’em involves burning, shredding, burying or darting. You upload a picture and watch in muted amusement as an animated pile of dirt covers up your most tender, bruised memories. For your trouble, you’re issued a coupon for printing (another trip to Fedex?).
It’s anticlimactic, to be sure, but hey, at least you still have your dignity. Feel free to show up in person to watch other people happily sacrifice their own, though. That’s priceless.