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How Do Men With Micropenises Use Urinals?

To borrow the punchline from an entirely different setup: ‘Very carefully’

It should go without saying by now that men are really, really hung up on penis size, caring vastly more about it than they really need to. We have it in our (other) heads that bigger is better, that a smaller weiner is an inferior one and that anyone packing less than a knee-lengther might as well not bother, sexually. According to one study, 45 percent of heterosexual men said they wanted a longer dick, despite 85 percent of women in the same study saying they found their partner’s penis totally fine, and penis enlargement surgery not tending to yield amazing results.

But penises aren’t just about sex. What about taking a leak? Is it hard to use a urinal if your dong barely makes it out of your jeans? Talking to a few small-penised redditors, the consensus seems to be, “use the stalls.” However, one such redditor, who specifically requested anonymity “to keep a low profile” and who had previously described his process at the urinal as “pushing the fat beside it to force the head out, then aiming it where it needs to go” and having a “rainbow curve” to his urine stream, opened up to me.

“I honestly can’t explain why it curves,” he says. “It’s just how it’s always been. But that’s one reason why I have to be very close to the urinal when using it, almost hugging it, so that when I pee it hits the urinal before it starts curving. This means splashback is an issue — it can go all over my arms. As for urinal design, I always kinda wanted the ‘walls’ of the urinal to be longer so that I could stand further back without getting splashed and still hide it, although the curve might cause the pee to go in crazy directions.”

Not all smaller penises are born equal, of course. “The term ‘micropenis’ seems really unhelpful to me,” says Ant Smith, performance poet and author of the Small Penis Bible. “Like, is a guy with a 6.9-centimeter [2.7 inches] willy fundamentally ‘different’ to a guy sporting 7.1 centimeters [2.8 inches]? It’s a ridiculous proposition. At 10 centimeters [3.9 inches], I’m not what a medical practitioner might describe as a ‘micropenis,’ although soft I can be well under an inch. I can say that I tend to use a urinal hands-free. At my size, the stream flows straight forward, with no dangle to worry about.”

Hands-free peeing might make texting easier, but it’s not for everyone. A lot of product design seems to be based around some sort of perceived “average size” — this being the case, are micropenised men using urinals the equivalent of a really tall guy crammed in an airplane seat?

Klaus Reichardt is the CEO of Waterless and the inventor of the modern incarnation of the waterless urinal. It’s unlikely there’s anyone in the world who knows more about urinals than him, and he’s adamant that they aren’t built with any sort of average dimensions in mind. “With all these years in the business, I can honestly say there is no standard in regards to design,” he says, “except for the way urinals attach to the wall.” By this, he’s referring to the Americans with Disabilities Act, which requires urinals to protrude at least 14 inches from the wall and be no more than 17 inches from the floor.

However, Reichardt points out that a lot of people’s techniques could do with some improvement. “The old ‘stand closer, it’s not as long as you think’ is an old but probably good one,” he says. “And the power of your stream will be affected by your age. Finally, and most importantly, aiming into the curvature of the urinal can avoid backsplash.” 

Reichardt is a urinal fly enthusiast, and he advises that (again) aiming to the curve and just off to the side (textbook urinal fly placement) should help even the most micropenised of men avoid walking out of the bathroom soaked. 

Alternatively, you could always just use the stalls.