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How Do I Get Over the Fact That My Partner Is an Intellectual Dud?

And all your other most pressing questions for adult film legend Tasha Reign

Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Bi-weekly then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and provide her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love better, too. 

I’m really into my boyfriend, but there’s something about him I can’t get past: He’s not that deep. He doesn’t like to think about things beyond a superficial level, and he doesn’t get a lot of the reference I make. He also misspells many words which, whatever, but it’s kind of nagging at me. He’s amazing in every other way — should I just get over the intellectual divide, or is it something I should definitely take seriously?
Everyone’s been in this predicament — girl (or guy) meets guy, guy is amazing, but guy isn’t a terribly deep thinker. 

When you’re in a situation like this, you need to make a list of deal breakers. How badly do you need that intellectual connection? Ask yourself if you can live without a critical thinker as your partner. Weigh what he has to offer and highlight the great attributes. 

I’ve been in your same place, but with slightly different factors. I was dating a very intellectual, very wealthy and very famous writer. He was kind, caring and a dad who wanted to have more children (literally, my perfect man). But at some point, I had an epiphany: I wasn’t attracted to him. Actually, he kind of grossed me out. 

I tried to fight it and convince myself otherwise. I’d even watch TV shows about royal families and think, Well, they have arranged marriages, and those sometimes work. But in my gut, I knew that my deal breaker was sex. I wanted to be physically attracted to my partner. I wanted to want to fuck my partner. I couldn’t live the rest of my life having to drink to simply fathom sex with him. So I let it fizzle out. My deal breaker was physical attraction, and it’s possible yours is intellectual stimulation.  

But, unlike sex in a monogamous relationship, you can get intellectual stimulation from other people. There are plenty of people (like me) who feel that if your partner is missing a quality you yearn for but can get from someone else, you should absolutely get it from that someone else. They can be a friend, a family member, a mentor, whatever — just know that with this partner, you’ll probably have to source that brain power elsewhere. 

So think about it — can you live with him knowing you’re going to satisfy that itch with other people? Or, does your partner — the person you spend the most amount of time with — need to have that quality for you to stay attracted to them? 

It’s a tough decision, but you can do it.

My boyfriend gets really hurt and pissed when I don’t cum from him going down on me. It’s to the point where he doesn’t want to do it anymore, which makes me sad and angry because I want him to keep trying. Basically, he’s discouraged, and I’m still horny — what can I tell him?
Some people just haven’t mastered cunnilingus yet. I’ve also had to explain and train partners how to perform this act. It’s unfortunate that they’ve been practicing this on people for so many years without knowing how to do it, but what better time than the present to start learning? And I don’t just mean him — you should also be putting in work, trying to figure out what feels good and what you like so you can relay that info back to him. 

If you can sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him that he’s turning you on even if you’re not reaching climax, that should encourage him to not give up entirely. He needs to learn that female arousal patterns don’t always mirror men’s — sometimes, it feels really good; there’s just no climax to the feeling. That doesn’t make it worse than push-button orgasm, it’s just a different form of pleasure. 

Once he’s comfortable with that idea, you two can watch tutorials and porn (together or separately) to explore what looks fun to try. Or read about ways for your orgasm to come into fruition, and tell him what you learned (knowing you’re actively trying to improve the situation and not placing all the blame on him might motivate him to keep trying). Implementing a toy could be a helpful tool, too. I like this contraption, and it can be used simultaneously with your partner’s attempt to go down on you. 

Overall, I think it’s a great sign that he’s trying to please you. I’ve dated men (briefly) who wouldn’t regularly go down on me and that was a deal breaker. So don’t let him give up now. 

If I were you, I’d dress up in an army costume or sergeant costume like this and then role play that you’re the boss. Tell him how it’s going to go down. He might like that! And again, orgasms are great, but they’re not the only form of pleasure, so make sure you explain to him that it’s possible to like something without coming to it ,and you should be golden. 

My wife and I haven’t had sex for like, three months. Is it bad that neither of us care? Are we moving into friend territory? Isn’t that the death knell for relationships?
Sex is important for a relationship to stay healthy and feel like a romantic partnership. Without it, I’d say yes — you’re probably transitioning into a situation in which your relationship is more platonic or non-romantic. In my experience, when the sex starts to fade out of a relationship, it’s usually a tell-tale sign that the romance has indeed died, and it tends to be an omen of darker things ahead. No wonder I start freaking out if I haven’t been intimate for like, a week. 

But that’s just me. The fact that you’re both totally fine with how little sex you’re having makes this somewhat of a different story. Who am I to tell you that you two need to have sex? It’s your life and your relationship, and you can make the rules. After all, not everyone needs to have sex to feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship. It’s possible that you and your wife just got lucky in that regard. 

If you do want to bring back the original romance, however, you need to schedule a date night so you can remember what that sexual energy between you feels like. I know, it sounds easier said than done, but we all go through dry spells and fall into temporary “friends” territory. Sometimes the only way to get back into the “romance” zone is to block out time to focus on nothing else but that. 

My boyfriend, Kyle, and I scheduled every Thursday as our “date night.” I’m not going to lie, sometimes we eat too much and watch a movie and fall asleep. Other times, we try our damn best to get along, but still argue. It doesn’t mean it’s over, though — it’s just the ebb and flow of a relationship. (Kyle and I also schedule sex night, which is different from date night.)

Do I wish my relationship looked like a fairytale? Yes. But it’s not most of our realities, and we can only try our very best to produce the best possible outcome for our own individual needs.  

Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at [email protected]!