Hot Dog Water Is the Beverage of the Future — And It’s Only $30 a Bottle

Douglas Bevans, parent, podcaster and owner of an educational travel company, set up shop near the most recent $400-a-ticket health summit for actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s controversial lifestyle brand, Goop, with a stylish product of his own: Hot Dog Water.

Well, actually: HõT DõG Water.

Bevans’ “keto-compatible” vitality beverage — which quite a few people sampled during both the Goop event and an earlier summer festival in Vancouver — is a commentary on the cult of wellness, in which junk science and conspicuous consumption outweigh common sense. (Hot Dog Water retails for $38 in Canadian dollars, or $29 in U.S. currency.) But the satire hit its target so squarely that a few observers were genuinely on the fence as to whether it was a stunt. Goop has inspired countless mocking listicles of their most absurd offerings, settled a lawsuit over “vaginal eggs” and have allegedly misled customers with their advertising in 113 different ways, so you can see why this wasn’t a stretch.

To make sure I was in on the joke, though, I recently caught up with Bevans to learn what’s next for his wonder-drink.

How did you pick Goop as a target? Was it just because they were coming to Vancouver, or did you have them in your sights already?
Gwyneth’s bio-frequency health stickers were actually the inspiration. When I first read about them, I mumbled something like, “Man, people will buy anything, I bet I could sell hot dog water” — and the lightbulb went off.

Was it hard to think of something ridiculous enough to satirize that brand? I mean, they sell psychic vampire repellent. Were there other ideas besides Hot Dog Water?
No, Hot Dog Water is the only one thus far. There are few byproducts on the market more pathetic than hot dog water, and the imagery works well — so it works really well as the face for this kind of satire.

Have you looked into getting a health or nutrition expert to endorse the product?
We have these two on board:

“Great for a post-workout rehydrate — and it’s holistic!”

—Darren Hunktub, personal trainer of the Hollywood elite

“Hot Dog Water is the NEW coconut water!”

—Dr. Cynthia Dringus, Nobel Prize-winning nutritionist

[Author’s note: Neither of these people is real, and “Cynthia Dringus” appears to be a video game character.]

How much Hot Dog Water have you personally consumed?
I drink it regularly to make sure it’s the ideal mixture. It tastes like a Sunday morning yoga class. And it’s actually molecularly similar to perspiration — there’s really no quicker way to re-uptake sodium levels after working out. Which in turn aids your body’s ability to access the calcium channel receptors in your heart. By balancing the state of your body’s multicellular organisms, Hot Dog Water helps you achieve max capacity for biological defenses so you can fight both infection and disease. Hot Dog Water’s patented carbohydrate restrictors also trigger autophagy (ah-toff-agee) and anti-inflammatory processes.

Thought about striking a deal with Whole Foods? They were selling $6 asparagus water a while back.
Nah.

Lastly, what does the future hold for Hot Dog Water? More pop-ups? Big investments? Super Bowl commercial?
No Super Bowl commercial yet, but I’d love to continue sharing the message by selling the product — a novelty item in the style of Adbusters.

* * * * *

There you have it — Hot Dog Water is here to stay. Accept no imitators. Especially not that sketchy “Burger Oil” supplement I’ve seen people taking at the gym. Gross!

---

Miles Klee

Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’