As Americans toiled through what some are already calling this year’s “Lost Spring,” with coronavirus depriving our schedules of haircuts, movie-going and pretty much all other acts of fraternity, people filled their free time in myriad ways. They finished fucktons of puzzles, plated meals in the spirit of Michelin-starred chefs and reinvigorated the snail mail industry through pen pal-ing. There was also one 35-year-old North Hollywood man we’ll call “Matthew” who began training his body so he could shoot his cum farther than anyone else in the world.
I’m bored; it’s quarantine. Let’s jerk off a lot, he thought to himself back in March.
To accomplish his mission, he’s gotten his pelvic floor into prime shape, through various exercises as well as the use of electrical muscle stimulation machines that work via anal probe. They’re typically marketed more toward women who, after giving birth, may deal with incontinence, a higher risk of the almost never fun pelvic organ prolapse and reduced vaginal elasticity. But, as Matthew says, “Muscles don’t give a shit if it’s labeled for women, so you pop one of those up your booty hole, you turn it on and it shocks you into doing kegels.” (Matthew also recommends vibrating kegel balls.)
He’s already seen substantial results. A few weeks ago, he says a sexual partner of his challenged him to hit her in the face with his load as he masturbated while crouched between her legs, just below her midsection. He overshot her face, however, and hit the wall behind her instead. Matthew also supplied me with a video where he projects a batch across his bathroom floor a distance of what he says is five feet — which seemed pretty accurate to me. He wants to get it up to six feet and then contact the Guinness Book of World Records so he can attempt to set an official high water mark for the world’s farthest-shot ejaculate.
The inspiration for all of Matthew’s quarantine jizz jetting?
The internet legend of Horst Schultz.
There have been and remain many men on Earth named Horst Schultz, from soccer players to architects to authors of knitting books to inventors seemingly obsessed with developing the perfect lid for cooking appliances. But only one of them, an apparent American, is said to have compelled his cum to travel 18 feet, 9 inches. This same “substantial” glob of seminal fluid purportedly set the all-time record for the fastest ejaculate at 42.7 miles per hour, while others have written that Schultz is the world-record holder for the highest-reaching jet of ejaculate as well. Apparently, the latter load defied gravity for 12 feet, 4 inches before falling back to earth — probably not onto the faces of any sky-peering spectators, because there almost certainly were none.
That’s because the Schultz records are completely unsubstantiated. No photos of him exist, though one YouTube video about his distance feat, which has nearly 230,000 views from now woefully ill-informed people, gives the impression he posed for one while donning a Sperm Man superhero costume. Other than that, there are no real videos of Schultz competing in what could only be termed a most “gripping” contest.
So why does the entire internet seem to believe that he launched his load nearly two stories away?
It’s difficult to say for sure where this ridiculous tale got started, how it spread online and why. But the oldest digital mention of Schultz appears to come from a 2005 Yahoo! Answers thread. In it, user DanE answered Andrew T’s question about who has the world record for the farthest-shot load. DanE likely copy-and-pasted his response from an eBaum’s World forum, which he’d provided a now-broken hyperlink to: “The greatest distance attained for a jet of semen that has ever been recorded is 18’9” (5.71 m) which was achieved with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid by Horst Schultz.”
The next time the Schultz record turns up is in another Yahoo! Answers thread from 2006. This one asks “What is the world record for most ejaculations in a day? Seriously?” An anonymous user offered the same copy-and-pasted text about Schultz, along with a list of other infamous “Sex Records.” “The most ejaculatory orgasms ever recorded in one hour for a man is 16,” the post reads, answering the original question.
Other sites that present themselves as more legitimate, truth-based publications have also reposted the Schultz figure. eBaum’s World crafted its own article about it, as did Mandatory, whose editor-in-chief Matt Branham wrote that he’d seen it in the Guinness Book of World Records. But searches through Guinness’ site for Horst Schultz and his far-reaching ejaculate came up empty. The Guinness people also declined my request for an interview about false records attributed to their organization that appear on the web.
The science, of course, would seem to call bullshit, too. As I’ve previously written, men simply can’t cum that far. The average distance of a male ejaculate is believed to only be about 7 to 10 inches, though many men in internet videos have shown off their skills to the tune of five- and six-foot long shots — dubious as there’s no measuring stick in sight. Numerous other clips with titles like “The Furthest Cumshot Ever” are of guys shooting past the torso of their partner or themselves to the head area, which is only about three or four feet away. Meanwhile, one redditor wrote that he once hit his ceiling, which shocked him, but that surface could reasonably have only been six feet north of his presumably bed-ridden cock.
To optimally shoot loads for distance, a man would probably have to be in excellent overall physical condition — yes, with a particularly strong pelvic floor — and living in the prime years of his life. His sensitivity and arousal must be at peak levels, and he likely would have abstained between four and seven days.
But even if the conditions are perfect, it’s still outlandish to think a guy would be able to get his batch to travel that far. For my earlier piece, I asked Paul Turek, a board-certified urologist and microsurgeon specializing in male fertility and sexual health, if the Schultz record sounded at all plausible. Until that point, he’d been very doctor-like and measured with his words, even as we talked cumshots. But at the mention of 18 feet, 9 inches, he let out a big belly laugh.
Nevertheless, when Matthew read about the Schultz record online, it motivated him to change the narrative about how far men can shoot their loads, and legitimize digital record books across the web. “It’s time to embarrass some liars,” he tells me.
In return, I inquire how long he abstains between measuring his love projectiles because building up the reserves can help with ejaculate power and, thus, distance. “I’m bad at abstaining,” he responds. Referencing the video he sent, he adds, “I think that was one day.”
I suggest he wait up to a week to cum, and try again. Maybe that will do the trick and get his load to travel beyond his desired six-foot distance. It’s not exactly Schultz like, but it would put him at least a third of the way there.
“Oh my god,” he says, sounding grateful for the tip. “Let’s see what Guinness says.”