It’s happened to me dozens of times, but now more in quarantine than ever before. I’m chatting with someone I like, the conversation gets sexy and I start exchanging nude photos. Though my sexting partner is happy with what they see, I receive a small, humble request. They want a good look at my butt. Not the exceptional shot of my shapely peach glistening in my bedroom’s morning light, though. That’s not enough. I’m talking to a real ass eater, a true acolyte of the anus. They want hole pics. Plural.
For those of you typically on the asking end of this exchange, you should know that hot hole pics are not easy to take. Arms aren’t as long as you seem to think they are. Most angles aren’t flattering. Nor do I have a production assistant on hand. If I did, asking him to help me with hole pics would be as inappropriate as simply asking him to fuck me, which would be preferable to sexting you — assuming I’ve hired a hot production assistant who does want to fuck me. However, being his hypothetical employer in a position of material power over him, this would still be unacceptable.
So here I am left to fend for myself to create the perfect hole pic. The good news is that over the years, I’ve learned a few tricks to get a shot that can turn a “Maybe later” into an “I’ll get you an Uber.”
Even more good news: I’m happy to share those tricks with you — to use both now in quarantine (when physical content is verboten) and for when we’re all able to roam freely once more.
The Nude Illusion
One lesson I’ve learned in my time as a professional bottom is that people usually respond better to amateur nudes than to more refined nude photography. There is a time and place for boudoir photography and artsy self-portraits. Carefully crop them on your Instagram or print and frame them above the hearth, but don’t send them to your quarantine boyfriend.
When it comes to casual sexting, high-definition portraiture usually just makes you look like a catfish, or worse, a struggling actor. In other words, I’m at no advantage for having an extensive catalog of studio-produced hole pics.
Perhaps this imperative of low-production perfection is one of the terrible backfires of late-capitalist beauty standards — a phenomenon essayist Jia Tolentino describes as “optimizing.” Though we have more power over our own image than ever, we must try very hard to perfect that image but never hard enough to look like we’re trying.
There’s something both illicit and authentic about a nude that appears impromptu. We want to catch each other in flagrante, using only our smartphones, floor mirrors and titillated flesh. The best nudes feel like you’re having real-time sex, rendering them insanely personal.
That said, there is such a thing as a bad nude. Moisturize your skin. Tidy up your room. Wipe down your mirror. I’m going to assume you know how to wipe your own ass. If you don’t, get a goddamn bidet.
The hard part about hole pics isn’t taking one that gets other people off. Most hole-hunters will take what they can get. It’s taking one that makes you feel sexy enough to send it into the universe.
Fumbling Your Way to a Tight Shot
You’re going to try using your arm first, the same way you’d take a selfie. You’re going to try it on your back, reaching between your legs. It will feel very clinical and pubescent, but you might get a decent close-up shot here, especially if you want to include any other frontal bits in the frame. You might even get your face, peering over your own body like a curious, horny giant. This might be a bit too close for comfort, though, and it doesn’t show off the cheeks.
Then you’re going to turn over and try it from behind with your back arched, in hopes of simulating a partner’s point-of-view. This will be disastrous. You will wonder if you ever really knew where your own asshole was. Your butt, hips and back will distort into unfocused sheets of skin and hair follicles.
How did you think arms worked, you fool?
Show Off the Back
Now we can get serious. You were onto something with a shot from behind, where you can not only get a fuller shot of the back of the body but also coyly conceal your face.
You can prop one leg up, kneel or get on all fours. I prefer to kneel, but that’s because I like getting my face in the shot for some over-the-shoulder drama.
Keep your knees wide apart to arch your back lower. It also gets the entire booty looking rounder. Try a few shots using your hands to gently spread that succulent ass flesh out of the invisible line between your hole and the camera lens. If you’re kneeling, try to rest the tops of your feet on the bed or floor to get a full shot of your delicate soles and toesies (a little feet can be hot, as a treat).
Keep It Light
Have you found your light yet? If it’s daytime, figure out where the natural light is coming from and where it’s going. If not, set up in front of a lamp. Position yourself so that the light is directly hitting your ass, not backlighting it. If it’s too high or too far to either side, your hole will be shrouded in darkness. Turn off the goddamn overhead light.
Catch Your Reflection
To make your experience easier, use your big floor-length mirror. Facing away from your mirror, get in the same arched back position as before. But hold your phone by your shoulder and give a little twist of the spine to look back and see what you’re doing.
If the mirror’s not working out, find a level surface to prop your phone against. It can be anything as long as your hole is featured and well-lit — a bed frame, a potted plant on a chair, a book inside a half-open dresser drawer.
It’s best to avoid anything busy or cluttered in the background. So you will probably have to rearrange lamps, mirrors and other furniture. I’d advise against trying to mix it up with some unique prop or pose — your hole’s personality will shine through without contrived attention-getters.
If you’re on the floor, you should put a pillow down to protect your knees. If this seems involved to the point that it’s not hot anymore, you’re right. Hole pics are hard work, part of the unfair expectations of bottom labor. Perhaps we should strike!
3, 2, 1… Pose!
Now that you’ve found your position, it’s time to take the holy grail of hole pics. The front-facing camera is perfectly fine. Set the 10-second timer. Or the three-second timer, if you’re feeling lucky. Take hundreds of photos. Pause periodically to review and make adjustments. Give your hole some attitude, like it’s keeping a secret.
Know When to Quit
If you’re still not finding the right combination of tricks and angles, by all means, throw in the towel. Opt-out and tell your sexting partner that they’ll just have to use their imagination. Or try a bulge pic — it’s tantalizing and much easier to take.
But every now and then, you’ll get that golden shot, the one that reminds you about the mystic power your hole can wield. You’ll feel like a beautiful Godzilla of sex, ready to level cities in one squat.
You don’t even have to send that one out. Your hole pics, after all, can be just for you.