The Pros and Cons of Being High as Balls at Your Own Wedding

On Sunday’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim speaks candidly of her past drug use. Though now almost entirely sober, she dabbled in ecstasy, or MDMA, in her youth, and she claims she was high on the psychoactive party pill while filming her notorious sex tape with the singer Ray J (though he has now denied this).

More titillating, I’d argue, is the admission that she was on ecstasy during the first of her three weddings.

I’ll leave it to the internet sleuths and truthers to determine whether Kim was actually rolling when she tied the knot with music producer Damon Thomas in 2000 — I don’t much care, and it’s impossible to prove either way. Instead, I’d like to encourage anyone currently weighing the option to dose themselves before trading vows: JUST DO IT™.

Lest you worry I’m trolling the engaged into catastrophic ceremonies, know this: I was on acid at my own nuptials, and it was awesome.

The colors! The emotions! The tearing off my formalwear and jumping into a pool not 10 minutes after vows were exchanged! That I also downed a couple dozen beers as the party kicked into high gear made for a crippling hangover the next morning, and the marriage itself didn’t last very long, but no headache or heartache could spoil the wild perfection of that day. My face actually hurt from smiling. Everything from the tickle of walking barefoot on summer grass to the shimmering pulse of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” — divine.

Of course, the usual caveats apply here. If you’re the type to turn panicky and paranoid from a few puffs on a joint, a stoner’s pregame is not the move. And you’d certainly want a decent amount of LSD experience under your belt if you’re gonna drop a tab when preparing to walk down the aisle. Remember that you’ll also be riding a hell of an adrenaline rush, one that makes standing there with your soul mate as loved ones watch you enter into a legal/spiritual union a hyperreal, intense affair of the senses.

On the other hand, this is why drugs enhance it — you’re already pushing the envelope, and you may as well go all the way. And the bewilderment you feel at the altar (Is this real life? How did we get here? Who am I?) virtually guarantee that nobody will bat an eye at your dilated pupils. When my then-wife’s friend learned, weeks after the fact, that we’d been tripping, she sputtered, “But your dogs [both in attendance] must have thought you were acting crazy!” To which Cece replied, “Well, uh, you didn’t notice.”

But really, what it comes down to is this: Remember that a wedding is a party — one where you set the rules.

Our drunk-ass culture has seen fit to demand an open bar whenever two people say “I do,” so yeah, those people should have the right to blow lines in the church bathroom while guests fill out the pews. There’s no need for a bachelor(ette) debauch; simply combine it with the main event. In a few months, you’ll be sorting out how to file a joint tax return, barely remaining civil about it. Live the gonzo glory of youth while you can, lovebirds!

And if the thought of swearing devotion to your betrothed while battling a case of dry-mouth adds to your anxiety instead of relieving it, you can always wait until the reception to get properly blazed.

One “punk-rock” bride had this to say on her decision to toke soon after the first official toast: “For the first time all day, the frenzy stopped and I genuinely relaxed and soaked in every detail. … Smoking made my wedding day special, because it allowed me to really slow down and enjoy it.” She’s right! Anybody hitched (or formerly so) can tell you the whole thing happens lightning-fast: You barely get a chance to say hi to pals who traveled thousands of miles to be there, and you’re lucky to get a slice of the cake. The right pot resets the clock for maximum enjoyment.

I mean, look. Fundamentally, drugs are fun, and romance is nice. They pair well. No need to overthink this; you’ll be second-guessing every decision involved, right down to the napkin rings, and this is a genuine no-brainer.

Honestly, let someone try to harsh your buzz, then have them thrown out of the banquet hall as a wedding crasher. Because a witness who can’t handle your inebriation isn’t ready to share quality social time with adults. It’s your matrimonial right to take the edge off — or put it on! Score some Xans or a bag of shrooms and treat yourself. After all, the two of you tricked each other into a state-enforced relationship contract. Save the whiskey for the divorce.

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Miles Klee

Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’