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Here’s an Idea: Don’t Poop in the Pool

The 1980 film Caddyshack was correct and prescient: There is doodie in the pool, only this one is not actually a Baby Ruth candy bar. It’s the real doodie, a special kind of doodie, and arguably the grossest doodie of them all: The diarrhea kind. Sorry.

The CDC has announced that the number of diarrhea outbreaks in the United States that can be traced to what we at MEL are calling Doodie in the Pool Syndrome, or DIPS [Editor’s note: Tracy, why] have doubled in the past few years, The Washington Post reported. The parasite: cryptosporidium. The method of ingestion: Swallowing doodie-contaminated pool water. The Post writes:

Crypto is the most common cause of diarrhea outbreaks linked with swimming pools and water parks because it can survive up to 10 days in chlorinated water. It takes only a mouthful of contaminated water to make a healthy person sick for up to three weeks. Infections can cause watery diarrhea, stomach cramps, nausea or vomiting, and can lead to dehydration.

Hey, so here’s a basic fact: The water in the pool isn’t for drinking. So don’t do that. Maybe bring a bottle of water? Maybe don’t swallow the pool water, even if you’re really thirsty? Maybe don’t hang out in a pool with your mouth agape waiting to be splashed full of poop water? Does that seem possible? Can you say Marco Polo with your mouth closed? Try it.

Maybe also don’t go in the pool if you have diarrhea? A survey by the Water Quality and Health Council found that one in four adults hop directly into a pool within ONE HOUR OF DIARRHEA. Why? Maybe don’t let your children go in the pool if they have diarrhea, either? Maybe don’t poop in the pool ever, and maybe don’t let your children poop in the pool ever? The CDC once wrote that “diarrhea and swimming don’t mix!” and that’s a sentence we should type up on a little piece of paper and print out and then pin to the bathroom mirror to look at whenever we have diarrhea. Okay?

Did you think showering before you got into the pool took care of this? Did you think showering before you got into the pool was going to pulverize a robust microscopic fecal parasite hanging out around your butthole that can survive on its own with no friends or prestige television for 10 whole days?

Here’s a real question: If you are the person who has the diarrhea, did you really want to go swimming? Did it seem like it would feel good? Like, to your butt or whatever? Did that really seem like the best idea, even though you would probably be more comfortable three feet from a bathroom, with some good magazines? Maybe when you have diarrhea, if swimming is really the only thing that feels good, maybe buy an inflatable pool and poop in that and drink it if you like diarrhea so much? Sorry. Bye.