Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four average adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Every Friday then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck long and prosper, too.
My wife and I have a seven-year-old son, and prior to him, our sex life was great. However, since having him, it’s changed 180 degrees. Whereas I used to be able to touch my wife anywhere, she now has restrictions on what and where I can touch. Nipples are now off-limits, and she covers them up during sex to make sure I don’t touch them. She also has no interest in any kind of foreplay whatsoever. I practically have to beg her to do it, and when she lets me, all she wants is to have missionary and then be done with it. I have brought this up to her many times in many different ways that doing this has put a very big wedge between us. I feel extremely rejected, and am starting to get paranoid there’s someone else. What should I do?
First of all, I’m genuinely sorry that you’re feeling so rejected. I know firsthand how difficult that can be, and it’s definitely true that kids can complicate things further. However, since I’m not an expert on navigating sex and relationships with children — nor have I had to raise kids myself — I thought I’d bring in a few experts who might be able to speak to your situation a little better.
Let’s address the nipple thing first. According to Sunny Megatron, sexuality educator and host of the American Sex podcast, having kids can be tied to the often jarring realization that your body isn’t solely sexual. Before your wife had kids, she probably enjoyed nipple stimulation because they provided sexual pleasure for her, but now, after breastfeeding your son, their function has probably changed in her mind to something that seems distinctly reproductive (and associating a part of your body with a baby suckling on it isn’t particularly hot for many people). Desiree D’emonix, a sex educator and parent, can confirm: “After breastfeeding my children, I can state with confidence that my breasts will never again be an erogenous zone,” she explains. “Just the association takes me right out of ‘sexy’ headspace and puts me in ‘mommy’ headspace.” Her best advice there then? Don’t push the nipple thing onto her. Let her know you’re always down for that if she’s in the mood for it, then back off — forever, if you have to.
Now, in terms of her libido and lack of interest in trying new things with you: the reason is probably a symptom of your home life and the inconvenient realities of parental duty. As Megatron explains, it’s very common for married mothers in long-term heterosexual relationships to bear the brunt of domestic and emotional labor, which has, in turn, been repeatedly shown to negatively impact a couple’s sex life and libido. “The unequal division of labor in hetero marriages is an all-too-common issue especially with couples who are parents,” says Megatron. “This is even true in households where the husbands consider themselves feminist, liberal, etc.”
So the likeliest explanation of what’s happening in your marriage is that, as the mother of a seven-year-old, she’s probably the one conducting most of the day-to-day maintenance of making doctors appointments, buying school clothes, making sure the kid has lunches, dealing with teachers/school stuff, etc. As such, she probably has little time to be alone for long enough to settle into her body before she has to run and do something else for you or your son. “When you give yourself to others all day, every day, sex tends to feel like more giving rather than something to enjoy,” says Megatron.
Now, about the possibility of there being someone else: Megatron thinks the fact that your mind goes there, instead of finding out what’s really frustrating her (which, again, is probably the unfair division of labor), has probably made her feel even more resentful, misunderstood and alone, feelings that are likely driving her further away from seeing sex as a fun, recreational release and more toward an obligation she has to fulfill. No one can say for sure if she’s seeing another person on the side, but in any case, you need to take a little responsibility in contributing to her current state before you blame it on someone else that may or may not exist.
On that note, I’d invite you to question what you’re doing to improve the situation aside from pushing her to have sex. How are you carrying your weight at home? How are you supporting her not just as a parent, but as a person as well? What are you doing to make space for her hopes and dreams? Are you giving her time to develop friendships and hobbies outside of your relationship? If you can reframe your question from “What about me?” to “What about her?” and include her in that thought process, you might find you get some valuable insight about why she’s been acting this way and what you can do to address it.
Speaking of, I highly recommend couples’ counseling, therapy or even going to see a sexological bodyworker together to get to the root of the problem. Sure, there may be a physical element to what you’re experiencing, but it seems like the crux of the issue isn’t her body or desires; it’s the energy between you, how you’ve both changed in response to parenthood and what you’re both doing and not doing to address her desire and your needs.
Sorry this is happening to you. Email me back and let me know how it goes!
Can you please explain to me why, as a guy, I’d want to get pegged? Is the pleasure really worth it?
This might be one of the most relatable questions I’ve ever gotten. Let me tell you a story. About five years ago, I got booked for a scene with a company called Evil Angel, a very well-known hardcore adult film company. My agent had asked me if I was up for something called “pegging,” which, as I’m sure you know by now, is when a woman fucks a guy in the ass with a strap-on dildo. I was unfamiliar with the territory, but the director, Joey Silvera, was a talented man and I was guaranteed the box cover of the movie, so I agreed.
When I got to set that day, the male talent and I got into a huge fight. He wanted to have vaginal sex in addition to being pegged, but I was only getting paid to peg, so peg I did. To my surprise, it was unusual, but so wonderful to be on top, and he loved it (even though we’d been fighting moments earlier). I felt really good about my strokes and how I was fucking him, which made me feel powerful in a way I hadn’t felt before. I enjoyed watching him get penetrated as well. He came harder than I’ve seen a lot of guys come before, and it was so interesting to watch a man have an orgasm in a new way. Afterward, I realized it was a real turn-on for me.
So, why’d it feel so good for him? Because men (and pretty much everyone else with a penis) have a little organ in their ass called the prostate (or, as I like to call it, the “butt clit”). And while the prostate’s primary function is to produce certain components of semen, it’s also a power-packed pleasure organ enriched with orgasmic nerve endings and erectile tissue that both feels and functions similarly to the female G-spot. When you stimulate it correctly — there’s a method — it can produce some of the most powerful orgasms known to man. Even better, because prostate orgasms aren’t always associated with ejactulation, you can keep having them over and over without getting tired or succumbing to the limits of your refractory period. In fact, I know one guy who had nine prostate orgasms in a single masturbation session.
It’s not just the prostate that makes pegging pleasurable for men, though. The anus itself is also home to the second-highest concentration of pleasurable nerve endings in the human body behind the clitoris (and ahead of the penis), which adds yet another layer of pleasure to the act. Some people, too, are turned out by the role reversal and the gender dynamics at play — men are rarely penetrated during cisgendered, heterosexual sex (which is where pegging happens most often), so the opportunity to experience the “other” role can be thrilling. I certainly found it exciting to be the “top,” or the “penetrator” — it was just a hot new thing I didn’t know I was into.
There are a ton of ways you can make pegging pleasurable for yourself and fun for your partner. My main tips would be to experiment with anal penetration on your own before you do it with a partner so you get comfortable with the sensation first. Set the mood and get yourself good and horny before you put anything in your butt. All the while, be sure to start with a small dildo like this one, use a boatload of lube (coconut oil is really nice) and keep the lines of consent and communication open with your partner during the act. Don’t forget to clean and really wash out your bottom, either — a removable showerhead is ideal, but a traditional enema and a bathtub will suffice.
That said, like any sex act, pegging isn’t for everyone. Many men find they really enjoy it — far more than they ever expected to — but a small amount of them genuinely don’t like it. And that’s okay! But you don’t know until you try, and I’d urge every guy to at least try. If you don’t, you might be robbing yourself of some of the most intense pleasure imaginable, as well as the ability to diversify the way you come and express your sexuality. If you don’t like it after you give it a go, fine, but at least you gave it a shot.
I always notice that when my buddies get into relationships, they drop off the face of the earth, then complain about not having a social life anymore. Is that, like, okay for them to do? What’s my responsibility as a friend in this situation? Am I supposed to nag them to come out more and maintain a social life or let them be in their little girlfriend/boyfriend cave until the relationship implodes and they come running back to their friends, one of which is me?
This is the best fucking question because no one can avoid the social trap that’s coupling. No one. It’s so common to fall off the map when you get in a new relationship and lose touch with your friends, but, wrapped up in your burgeoning storybook romance as you are, you rarely think about what that’s like for them. Often, they feel passed over, or left out — like chopped liver! And while it’s completely natural for people to get swept up in love and to stop going out as much as they did when they were single, to completely drop of the face of the earth just because some guy or gal waltzed into their life isn’t kind to the friends who love them or to themselves.
Along those lines, did you know having at least a couple of good friendships that you keep up long-term has a major impact on both your physical and mental health? They can make you live longer, feel happier, keep your mind sharper and help support you through hard times. Without them, you run the risk of isolation and put yourself at a higher risk of depression, dementia and heart disease, which is something to think about considering men tend to lose an average of two core friends each time they get into a new relationship.
So to answer you question: No, it’s not okay for your friends to fall off the map (unless your friend is the type of person who’s looking for isolation and fewer social connections, or to whom “settling down” means they mercifully no longer have to shotgun Four Loko with you — in that case, leave him be!).
What’s your responsibility here, though? It isn’t to “nag” them per se, but you should definitely tell them how you feel. Be empathic — it’s fabulous that they found their special someone — but also be honest about feeling like you’ve been put on the back burner. Gently let them know you’re concerned they’re losing touch with the people who care about them, while at the same time reassuring them that you love their partner and only want to see them happy. And even though they’re being a shitty friend right now, try to make yourself extra available to hang out. Keep inviting them everywhere even if you know they’ll say no, and try to schedule “friends’ nights” a least once a month so you can connect with them one-on-one. The more you put yourself out there, the more they’ll lean on you for fun and support when they surface from their so-called “girlfriend/boyfriend” cave.
But after you’ve sent the message that you care about them and want to spend more time together, I’d keep it light. You want to avoid guilting them into hanging out with you or making them feel like a bad friend just because their priorities have changed. Once you’ve said your piece and gotten whatever things off your chest you need, trust that they know what’s best for them and their relationship, and try your hardest to accept that your friendship is going to look different than it used to, potentially indefinitely. Surround yourself with other people who give you the time, attention, support and good times you deserve and know that like many things in life, friendships change over time.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s column! Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at firstname.lastname@example.org!