Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Once a week then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love long, too.
Editor’s Note: This column was first published on August 24, 2019.
My boyfriend wants to invite his ex-girlfriend to our wedding. They’re friends or whatever, but I don’t know, it just seems weird. I don’t have a concrete reason to be, but I’m actually kinda pissed about it. Should I just get over it and let him, or should I put my foot down and say no?
Yeah, that’s going to be a hard no for me. No, no, no, no, no. I can’t even believe this is happening to you. I’m personally offended.
Here’s my conspiracy theory: Boys and girls who dated can’t ever really be platonic friends. There’s too much history, and most of their relationship was defined by their previous romantic connection, the one they shared before you came along. That doesn’t mean they can’t have friendly feelings toward each other, nor does it automatically mean they still want to fuck and date each other, but trust me, there’s still something there. Something you should not have to think about on your wedding day.
I’m going to share something about myself that’ll help you see why I know that’s true: I have a hard time letting go of people I have emotional attachments to, and I have the urge to keep them around, almost as if I was hoarding them. I’m hardly the only person who has that problem, but it’s definitely caused some tension between me and my boyfriend.
For the longest time, I kept acting like it was completely common and healthy to maintain a relationship with my exes, convincing myself that it was purely platonic and that all my feelings for them had subsided. But upon further examination and self-evaluation (and some more long talks with my beau), I realized I was putting my emotional energy toward a relationship with ex-lovers who I still had an underlying affinity for. My therapist told me that it wasn’t healthy to keep hanging on like that. Like, I had an intimate connection with someone but now I can just suddenly turn it off?
So unless there are children involved, I think it’s best to focus your energy on the one you love. And in this case, I think it’s best for your fiancé to focus his energy on you.
After all, how would he feel if the tables were turned? Would he want you staying close with your ex boyfriends? Are your exes also invited to the wedding? It’s probably a good idea to take the time before your wedding to talk about why one or both of you feel the need to stay in contact with someone who you’re no longer invested in. It took me a while to answer this for myself and it wasn’t easy to say permanent goodbyes to the people I’ve loved, but it’s a necessary step to take the strain off your current relationship.
I’m not telling you all of this to make you to throw a temper tantrum or anything, but come on: She’s not invited, and needs to be axed from the list.
Why is it such a common theme in relationships that partners want to explore a traditional MFF (male-female-female) threesome, but not the other way around?
This is a topic I’m especially curious about for one specific reason: I’ve only had one MMF experience outside of acting, and it fits in perfectly with your question. Here’s how it went: I was home in Laguna Beach for the holidays. I grabbed the guy I used to bang and a guy I’d known since first grade (they happened to be best friends) and went upstairs into one of their brother’s room. We all got naked and things progressed.
I was really into it, but sadly, like in most threesomes — regardless of gender — one person seemed to be on the outskirts. All of a sudden, I realized “Tim’s” dick was limp. He shamefully put his head down and walked out of the room so that my old flame “Jake” and I could bang it out.
The experience was still fun, but it left me wondering: Was Tim scared and intimidated by Jake? Or was he simply turned off by Jake’s dick next to his (they were best friends, after all). Or, plot twist: Was he turned on by Jake, and didn’t know how to process it? Maybe it was a bit of everything. I’ll probably never know.
What I do know is that the bias against MMF threesomes in real life does not exist in porn. Porn clearly and frequently depicts plenty of multi-guy group sex scenes, all of which are consumed by rabid audiences of all genders and sexual orientations. MMF threesomes are also on the rise — even among straight men — which leads me to believe that the problem might not be that people aren’t interested in them, just that mainstream entertainment isn’t showing them.
Last night I was watching my new favorite series, Glow, on Netflix. In the last episode of the season, Rhonda (the red-headed brainy fighter) has a threesome with two men, one being her husband. I was shocked. Then I was shocked that I was shocked. I’d seen this many times in adult films, but the fact that it was on mainstream TV shook me to the core.
If I had to guess as to why, I’d say it’s probably because our culture is still annoyingly squeamish about female pleasure. A woman wanting to enjoy two dicks and mouths — and four hands — means she wants double the pleasure, and we can’t even square her getting half the pleasure one man does (women orgasm just over half as often as men during penetrative sex). That, and the fact that latent homophobia makes us think that two men involved in a sexual experience together are somehow gay.
I mean, sometimes they are. Sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they’re perfectly straight and just focusing on the woman without really touching each other. Whatever they are doesn’t matter though, because engaging in an act doesn’t determine your sexuality. Saying men who have threesomes together are necessarily gay (or bi) is like saying you’re a chef because you boiled some pasta — yeah, you did it, but it doesn’t determine your identity. Again, I think this all just comes down to the fact that we still have a long way to go when it comes to female pleasure and letting men express their sexuality in ways that aren’t just straight-up pussy jackhammering.
I really wish that men (including my boyfriend, who is paradoxically very LBGT-friendly) were more open and could be more egalitarian about women wanting two cocks. Given how okay we are with two women sharing one dude, it shouldn’t be so shocking to see two males with one female. I, an adult actress, shouldn’t be wowed by a MMF scene on Netflix. And all my friends who come to ask me about having threesomes with their man should be able to have two men if he gets two women. It’s only fair! Duh.
I’m a 32-year-old guy who just moved to a new city for work, and I’m having trouble making friends. I like people, but I’m really shy and never know what to say. I’ve always been a fan of how confident you are, though. Do you have any tips for making friends and meeting people?
I totally feel you on this. It’s really hard to meet new people as an adult. Everyone is busy with jobs, marriage, kids and whatever the fuck Fortnite is, and chances are everyone in your age group has already tried all the carefree, experimental stuff that usually bonds people together for life. I made all my best friends in elementary school because we all had to go through so many new, exciting and sometimes trying experiences together, and I’ve definitely found that grabbing a casual drink with a co-worker after a shoot as an adult just doesn’t bond us like it used to when we were younger.
When I moved up to L.A. from Laguna Beach, I had no real friend group. I tried to talk to people in class and at work, but nothing really landed. Dating apps also hadn’t really taken off yet either, so I was really lonely. I did, however, know that I wanted to be friends with people who had the same interests as me. Not everyone was kind and warm, but I was surprised by how welcoming people can generally be if you just give them a chance.
That does involve getting out of your head a little bit, though. Instead of trying to sell people on being your friend by saying the “right” thing, focus on just enjoying yourself and having fun with them in the moment. The lower you make the stakes for each interaction with new people, the less pressure you’ll feel to be “cool” or “talkative,” and the more you can just let go and be yourself. That’s always the best way to make friends, in my opinion. When you attract people who like you for who you are, you also become more confident.
Also, ask people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves, and I promise you the quickest way to friendship is by being genuinely interested in who someone is and how they’re doing. If you have to fake interest or pretend to care about their mundane life, you probably don’t want them as a friend anyway.
Here are some other ways I’ve made friends in a new place:
- Bumble for friends. I just moved to a town off-the-grid so I’m literally on this app right now. It’s a unique and safe way to meet someone, and you can filter them and research them beforehand to see if you have hobbies or interests in common.
- Pick up a sport or a hobby. If you join a men’s soccer team, for example, you’ll have automatic, built-in friends. Sports and hobbies bring people together and give you something to talk about.
- Find friends-of-friends. They’re likely to have more in common with you than a random stranger. You could even post a message on Facebook or Twitter saying you’re new to your city and you’re looking for people to hang with. Or just text your buddies about it: “Hey, miss you already. Wish you were here too. Let me know if any of your friends are here. I’d love to have someone to catch a movie with.”
- Enroll in a night class. Pick something you always wanted to learn about but never had the time to dabble in — horticulture maybe. That way, you’ll meet someone you have a passion in common with and you’re in a relaxed environment.
- Become a regular somewhere. It can be a coffee shop, a restaurant, a gym, wherever. If you start hanging out and spending a lot of time at a place you like, you’re bound to meet people who will recognize you from that place and it’ll be easier to start a conversation with them.
Despite that self-confidence you mentioned, I definitely know what it’s like to feel lonely sometimes. But between you and me, you’re always better company than you give yourself credit for.
Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at tashareign1@gmail.com!
Tasha Reign
Tasha Reign is an adult actress and patron of the art of dating, love, and everything sex related. She has given a decade of her life to the sex industry and gone on enough dates for all of Los Angeles combined. Ask her your questions and she'll do personal research to provide her best answers. She can be reached at Tashareign1@gmail.com.
