Gripping Food With Force Is Our Only Release Right Now

Do I even need to remind you of all the ways that reality is currently imploding?

I’ll give you the short version: virus, wildfires, election, fascism. All of us reached a breaking point months ago; now we just break over and over, week after week. The pain flows through us uninterrupted. There is no relief. It’s gotten so bad that we’re grinding our teeth into dust. We are abandoned.

But from the ashes, a nameless hero rises. You can follow them on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok or Twitter, where they bill themselves as the “worst account” on the site. I and some 328,000 other followers would disagree; in fact, I’m sure most would consider it a source of desperately needed catharsis. The concept is self-explanatory: “gripping food with force.”

To address the potential negative reactions: “Disgusting.” No. It’s beautiful and satisfying. “Ill-mannered.” Shut up, nerd. “A waste of perfectly good food.” Only if you don’t eat the mash out of your hand afterward. Gripping food with force is an infantile joy, and I’ll be damned if anyone tries to come down on it. Your fists are probably clenched in fear and anger for all your waking hours — why not apply this pressure to a pineapple? Take that, you pointy-ass bitch.

Ditch the conventional hand grip strengthener, because we’re working out with blocks of cheddar now. No matter how weak and pathetic you feel in the churning horror of 2020, food is weaker and more pathetic. It doesn’t stand a chance against you. Show it who’s boss around here. You cooked it (or bought it), and that gives you the right to crush it in your palm with the sang-froid of a supervillain. Make it explode, or let it crumble and ooze through your fingers. You control its destiny, and honestly, that may be the extent of your power right now. Go ahead, flex.

Ah, that’s better. Nothing else is going how we’d like; at least we have the option of demolishing hot dogs and eggs and personal pizzas with the fine-tuned appendage that helped to make us the apex species on this planet. Hold on tight — I have a feeling things get more intense from here. Sometimes seizing the day is as simple as seizing whatever you’ve got in the fridge.

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Miles Klee

Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’