As a Californian, I do not like having Gavin Newsom for my governor. I do not like that he kneecapped the state’s high-speed rail project. I don’t like his garbage housing policies, either. I don’t like his little color risk tiers for managing the response to surging COVID-19 cases., and I certainly don’t like knowing that when he was married to Kimberly Guilfoyle (who is currently dating Donald Trump Jr.), they did a “sexy” photo spread for Harper’s Bazaar, which called them “the New Kennedys.” Most recently, I disliked learning that Newsom flouted pandemic guidance to attend a lobbyist’s birthday dinner at a three-star Michelin restaurant.
Gov. @GavinNewsom attended a birthday dinner for one of his political advisers last week with at least a dozen people from several different households, the type of gathering his administration has discouraged during the coronavirus pandemic. https://t.co/rB29C15qys
— Alexei Koseff (@akoseff) November 13, 2020
A slickster politician supping on French delicacies in wine country with a dozen other people while the rest of us are canceling Thanksgiving to keep grandma alive… it’s a perfectly formed scandal. His apology sucked, too. But, for perhaps the first time, I felt a twinge of sympathy for California’s chief executive. That’s because photos of the incident revealed his tragic ass.
EXCLUSIVE: We've obtained photos of Governor Gavin Newsom at the Napa dinner party he's in hot water over. The photos call into question just how outdoors the dinner was. A witness who took photos tells us his group was so loud, the sliding doors had to be closed. 10pm on @FOXLA pic.twitter.com/gtOVEwa864
— Bill Melugin (@BillFOXLA) November 18, 2020
feel better about my white guy ass after seeing this photo of Gavin Newsom’s pic.twitter.com/BoRPKvzLMs
— miles klee ? (@MilesKlee) November 18, 2020
Maybe it’s just an unfortunate bunching of the dad jeans. More likely, though, Newsom is afflicted with a condition that I and countless other white guys suffer from: flat-ass, no-ass, negative ass, or, in pop culture parlance, “Hank Hill ass,” a term that comes to us from an episode of the animated sitcom King of the Hill. In “Hank’s Back Story,” the patriarch of the show discovers that his back pain is the result of “diminished gluteal syndrome,” i.e., an absence of buttocks. To his humiliation, he’s forced to wear an orthotic that rounds out his posterior.
In the Age of the Ass, it’s an extra bummer to have none. Yet whatever the cultural moment, the plight of the assless is real and painful. Without that natural cushioning, the vast majority of chairs, benches and public transit seating are forever uncomfortable. Toilets, also! You feel top-heavy all the time; without a booty for ballast, you’re easily knocked off-balance. And anybody turning around to check you out when you walk by will be sorely disappointed, since, as Newsom demonstrates, your pants always look weirdly loose or deflated back there.
Somebody get Gavin Newsom some new jeans, he looks crazy
— Jacob Lincoln Davis (@Jlincoln91) September 13, 2020
Anyway, back to shitting on Newsom for undermining a serious public health response in a way that allows virus skeptics to argue that social distancing and mask mandates are purely for show. The difference is I now see what he’s working with in the rear, and I understand how bony hindquarters would lead you to abandon all ethics and principles. Get this man some padding.
Miles Klee
Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’
