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Fried Fish Is Worse for You Than French Fries, and Now My World Is a Whirling Vortex of Nothing Makes Any Sense

And four other things we learned about our bodies this week and stuff, I guess

The human body: An inspiring biological work of art? Or a meaty sack of germs and fluids? Either way, there’s still a lot we don’t know about what goes on in there — and scientists are constantly attempting to find out more. Here are the most interesting things we learned about our bodies in the last seven days…

French Fries Are Healthier Than Fried Chicken

Fuck me and fuck my McChicken addiction: New research found that eating at least one serving of fried food each day increases your chances of dying an early death from cardiovascular disease by eight percent. Even more obnoxiously, the study also found that fried snacks like French fries, crackers and tortilla chips are less harmful than fried meats — even fish and chicken — which means I’ll go ahead and supersize that order of fries, thank you so very much.

Why fried snacks are healthier than fried meats remains unclear, but the researchers theorize that it may simply be because people generally consume larger portions of meat. They also mention that restaurants are more likely to reuse oils when frying meats, which might increase the amount of unhealthy contaminants in those foods. Worse yet, meats are typically more deeply fried than snacks. Whatever the case, I will eat only French fries from this moment on. My name is Greasy McTaterDump, goodnight.

Taking Aspirin Every Day Will Probably Make You Bleed to Death

Gnarly! A new study found that taking aspirin on a regular basis — which many people do to prevent heart attacks and strokes — increases your chances of experiencing a “major bleeding” event by 43 percent. So, on the one hand, you’re less likely to die from an unexpected chest pain, but a lot more likely to expire in a crimson puddle while waiting for the ambulance after a minor car crash. Watch out for paper cuts, aspirin-fanatics!

Neglecting Your Gums Might Result in Alzheimer’s

Here’s yet another reason to pay your dentist a visit: Researchers recently found bacteria called Porphyromonas gingivalis, which is associated with chronic gum disease, in the brains of people with Alzheimer’s. Making matters even worse, rodent studies confirm that this bacteria can travel from our mouths our brains, which means having poor gum health might be a leading cause in the development of Alzheimer’s. In other words, GET ME TO THE DENTIST IMMEDIATELY.

Late-Night Snacking Isn’t Actually Unhealthy

Experts have long argued that eating immediately before bed can cause blood sugar spikes, which promote the development of diabetes and heart disease. But apparently, they were WRONG: A new study analyzing more than 1,550 Japanese adults found that none experienced significant changes in HbA1c levels — long-term measures of blood glucose that are reliable indicators of future health risks — even though 23.5 percent of them regularly fell asleep within only two hours of eating dinner. My weed-induced munchies are happy to hear this.

An Hour of Exercise a Day Keeps Death Away (Temporarily)

For women, at least: New research found that women who partake in 60 minutes of daily physical activity are 21 percent more likely to reach age 90 when compared to those who only do 30 minutes or less. The researchers also claim that one hour is the ideal amount of daily active time for women, since these benefits actually decrease when women exercise for any longer.

Men, on the other hand, reap more and more benefits the longer they spend exercising: The study found that men who partake in 90 minutes of daily physical activity are 39 freaking percent more likely to reach age 90 compared to those who do less than half an hour, and the researchers also found that men gain five more percent for every additional half hour they spend exercising each day. All of which theoretically means that men can have a 99 percent chance of living to 90 by exercising for only… er… 7.5 hours, every single day. Shit.