The Fast & Furious flicks are the baldest action movies of all time. Over nine installments (eight in the main series and the spinoff Hobbs & Shaw), the street-racers-turned-superspies franchise has built an incredible roster of cue balls: Vin Diesel, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Tyrese Gibson and Jason Statham deliver shot after shot of smooth, sturdy, manly dome.
But all good and bald things must come to an end, and so will the turbocharged F&F saga. Following F9, now slated for a 2021 release, the studio will crank out two more films, ending with an 11th. It remains to be seen if any newcomers will show scalp for their role in F9 — John Cena? Cardi B? Michael Rooker? If not, huge missed opportunity, though the brand can still finish strong with the final entries, as long as the casting directors follow my suggestions.
Here are some bald powerhouses I’d like to add to the Fast & Furious before everyone drives off into the sunset…
Tucci is having a moment. It has to do with his well-fitting shirts (sleeves rolled up), his talent for mixing Negronis, his DILF vibes and, yes, that magnificent hairless coconut. He’s not known for appearing in brawny blockbusters, but you can tell he’s got the body to make it work. He’s also got the acting chops to deliver a top-notch villain, something that the F&F formula doesn’t always manage. Plus, it’s always been rumored that the franchise would one day travel into space, and you can’t tell me he’s not perfect for a NASA-type dude. Time to reach for the stars.
It’s surprising that Simmons — a tireless and beloved character actor — hasn’t joined the F&F crew as yet. Don’t you picture him as the head of a motorcycle gang they have to grudgingly team up with? And where baldness is concerned, Simmons is a legend: the way he gets those veins in his temples throbbing is a masterclass in performance. Dude is also swole enough to hang with Diesel et al, with a full résumé of hardasses on his IMDb page, from a neo-Nazi in Oz to an abusive bandleader in Whiplash to, hell, J. Jonah Jameson in the Spider-Man movies.
One thing F&F has always been missing: a strong bald woman. Florence Kasumba isn’t bald by nature, but her breakout turn as the bald Wakandan warrior Ayo in the Marvel movies sets her up as a winning choice. She rocks a shaved head like she invented it — and maybe she did? Kasumba is also Ugandan-born, though grew up in Germany, and has done a number of German and Dutch language projects. As it has expanded, F&F has piled on the international flair; someone with a background like hers is crucial for that sense of globetrotting cool. Get her in the driver’s seat of a vintage muscle car that turns into a helicopter. Now.
Sir Ben Kingsley won an Oscar for playing Mohandas Gandhi, surely among the most famous baldies who ever lived. He got nominated again for Sexy Beast, in which he played Don Logan, a gangster sociopath whose baldness projects a chilling menace. It’s the latter mode that would serve him as an ideal antagonist for the F&F family. Like, if Kingsley were orchestrating a plot to have them all assassinated one by one so he could pull off a black market nuclear arms deal without their interference, I’d be genuinely worried for them. The goatee clinches it for me.
Travolta’s career has had its ups and downs, and it’s on hold after his wife, Kelly Preston, passed away this summer. If and when he’s ready to get back to work down the line, he’d be an interesting dark horse pick for F&F’s bald bench. Having sported hilariously phony hair in everything from Pulp Fiction to The People vs. O.J. Simpson, he turned heads and sparked headlines when he finally came out as bald, and it works for him. Don’t forget his action pedigree: the man has collaborated with John Woo. Maybe he’d even bring Pitbull aboard!
I don’t really have good reasoning for this pick, but Malkovich is bald, he’s always entertaining, and I’m dying to know what kind of ridiculous accent he’d do. Absolutely no downside here.
My wackiest and least likely casting for the F&F finale phase is a familiar face, and one of the most iconic bald men in Hollywood, yet criminally offscreen since his heyday on Seinfeld. Hear me out: an over-the-top explosion-fest is only as good as its comic relief, and Tyrese Gibson could use an assist from a ringer at this point. Alexander might bring a fish-out-of-water energy to balance the hypercompetence of the main ensemble. How would he get involved in their world of espionage and high-speed pursuits? I have no idea. But you know it would rule.