Bro, this one’s for you, bro. This list of all your fellow bros shows just how complicated and layered you really are. No one else may get it, but we do: We understand that even amongst gym bros, there are different types and plenty of overlap, too. For example, there are gym bros who save pictures of other bros to pump them up for a workout; gym bros who can’t seem to figure out the right shoes to wear to get their pump on; and former gym bros who’ve given up the weight room for the open road.
Shit is complicated, bro!
Without further int-bro-duction (because you get it, bro) then, here’s our bro-glossary — an ode to the many faces of you. Bro.
Bro Type: Aspirational Gym Bros
Definition: The gym bros who keep photos of other gym bros on their phones for bro-tivation
The Bro in Action: “On [Steve] Higgs’ Pinterest page, there’s an eclectic mix of pictures — bodybuilders lifting heavy weights, workout plans and diet tips and a hit of Chris Hemsworth (aka Thor) and Gerard Butler (aka the guy with the unforgettable abs in 300). He started collecting images of muscular men during the 1990s when he was in his late teens, because he was ‘fascinated by how they looked. They were like gladiators to me. I had this poster of Kevin Levrone in my room from a bodybuilder magazine, and I remember being amazed by how his body looked.’”
Bro Type: Badonka Bros
Definition: The regular guys who’ve embraced the trend of building a better butt.
The Bro in Action: “‘Women are attracted to it,’ Anton says. ‘In my younger years I took it as a good sign. I’d even try and hook up with someone who objectified me like that, and it worked out a decent amount. Actually, if I’m being honest, my ass was probably my primary pick-up move. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I dance pretty well. I’m Hispanic and I’ve been dancing salsa and merengue since birth, so my pick-up move in college was essentially to dance until someone decided they liked what they saw and danced with me. It was as effective as it was not.’”
Bro Type: Data Bros
Definition: Guys who obsessively quantify their lives via information, including graphing the rise and fall of their romantic relationships.
The Bro in Action: “The numbers on each point represented the text messages he sent to his ex-girlfriend. The stumbling decline in those numbers over the course of months symbolized the bewildering fall of the relationship.”
Bro Type: Disc Golf Bros
Definition: Chill bros hell bent on taking a recreational game to the big leagues.
The Bro in Action: “I’ve never seen men look so strangely graceful before. For example, when they step up to the tee box and throw their driver disc — for a frozen moment, just after the release, as they watch their disc take to the air — they resemble bizarre Greek statues. There’s also this strained face (the ‘huck face’) they make at that moment of release.”
Bro Type: Egg Yolk Bros
Definition: Guys who eat a lot of egg yolks to get swole.
The Bro in Action: “What’s it like? Murray describes the raw eggs as ‘mucus with a cell around it,’ but he’s quick to add that he didn’t vomit — raw eggs are a regular part of his diet, he says. He even eats the shell; he ‘read about it in one of Bruce Lee’s books on smoothies.’”
Bro Type: Estrogen Bros
Definition: All men, as it happens.
The Bro in Action: “The form of estrogen that functions throughout the male body is called estradiol (which is actually the predominant form of estrogen in both men and women). ‘Estrogen in the male body is primarily produced by the enzyme aromatase, which converts testosterone into estradiol in the testicles and fat cells,’ says Ranjith Ramasamy, director of male reproductive medicine and surgery at the University of Miami, where he is also an assistant professor in the department of urology. ‘Estradiol works with testosterone in a delicate balance to regulate libido, erectile function and sperm production. It also has other important functions such as maintaining bone health.’”
Bro Type: Flattop Bros
Definition: Men who get haircuts that make their head look like rectangles.
The Bro in Action: “The cut isn’t going anywhere. A lot of guys have stuck by it, and they’re damn serious about their haircuts. Barbers, it turns out, love it too: Accomplishing that perfect fade is a real flex.”
Bro Type: Former Gym Bros
Definition: Gym bros leaving the weightlifting room behind in search of pavement.
The Bro in Action: “Other runners I interviewed, however, had more obvious reasons why they turned their back on the gym. ‘Most jobs are office-based, and you’re working alone for up to 10 hours a day,’ Sam, an accountant, says. ‘The last thing I’d want is to follow that up by being in a small room lifting weights on my own, or in a space that’s crowded, stuffy and humid. Running allows me to be more varied, explore the city I live in and not stare at my screen all the time.’”
Bro Type: Makeout Bros
Definition: Straight male college students who make out with their straight male friends.
The Bro in Action: “[Mark] McCormack attributes the rise in heterosexual lip-locking to a general decrease in homophobia in the West. ‘Men with more positive attitudes toward gay men are more likely to kiss. And the second part is that men who kissed each other didn’t intend or experience the kisses as sexual (like you might kiss a romantic partner) but rather as platonic ways of demonstrating emotional closeness,’ he says.”
Bro Type: Pedialyte Bros
Definition: Guys willing to try anything to get maximum hydration (especially when hungover).
The Bro in Action: “‘Speaking from the experience of being in the thick of bro culture back in college, Pedialyte for hangovers was well-known and prominent,’ says Mike Mancini, a self-proclaimed ‘former bro’ and director of media for The Black Sheep, a college media company. Before graduating from UConn in 2015, Mancini says he and his friends would ‘legitimately make morning-after Pedialyte runs, with Pedialyte being the primary focus and getting breakfast being secondary.’”
Bro Type: Spider Bros
Definition: The men who won’t take a flip-flop to that spider in the corner.
The Bro in Action: “‘A place for friends of spiders, who are our bros,’ the forum description reads. ‘Spiders are fun, mostly friendly creatures that just want to enjoy a good meal (albeit of flies) and chill like you do. Post your favorite pics or stories of spiders being bros!’”
Bro Type: Spikeball Bros
Definition: Dudes that take a fun beach game way more seriously than anyone probably should.
The Bro in Action: “Some of its top players, though, wonder if that ‘bro-tastic’-ness may undermine its athletic credibility. ‘I know frat guys who talk a big game,’ about their Spikeball skills, says Tori Farlow, a 22-year-old player on RazzMatazz, the second-rated women’s team in the country. ‘They don’t know that it’s like a competitive, tactical sport.’”
Bro Type: Vape-Shitting Bros
Definition: The vaper in search of that perfect, euphoric bowel movement.
The Bro in Action: “The smell is an improvement, too. ‘It makes the room smell less of poop, but more of a Fruity Pebbles-scented poop, which in all honesty smells a lot better than just poop, so that’s a plus in my book,” says u/OhLongJohnson1, adding the caveat that the smell covers for the fact that you’re basically ‘huffing poop particles.’”
Andrew Fiouzi
Andrew Fiouzi is a staff writer at MEL.
