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What UPS and FedEx Drivers Think of Santa’s Stolen Valor

‘I’m tired of hearing about that big juicy bitch.’ Screw St. Nick — it’s your delivery driver who deserves the cookies and praise

In just 14 hours the other day, Mike, a 30-year-old FedEx Express driver in Chicago, made 230 stops and delivered roughly 300 packages. “Between Monday and Thursday, I worked nearly 60 hours and made 694 stops,” he says, fresh off another long day. “Still think Santa Claus is real? Get bushed.”

During a “normal” year, Mike’s typical workload is 120 stops and 130 packages, but this year, those averages have nearly doubled — and that was before the holiday season. Yet, all the credit for his hard work goes to an imaginary magical elf. “It’s madness. The small package delivery companies are overwhelmed,” he tells me. “So yeah, I’m really tired of hearing about that big juicy bitch Santa Claus.”

Being asked if I can take a letter to Santa Claus after thousands of packages: from USPS

“During the holidays, I’ve left the building at 8:30 a.m. with my truck bricked out front-to-back with 700 packages, all needing to be delivered to 600 stops, which can often take until midnight,” says Roger, a 44-year-old UPS driver in Texas. “My aches and pains are all repetitive motion injuries: My knees have almost no cartilage, I have rotator cuff problems, my back hurts, my hands don’t grip well.”

But again, all that pain, all that agony, all that suffering is completely overlooked — and all for Santa’s undeserving gain. It’s a true Christmas atrocity. Because it’s the FedEx, UPS, USPS and Amazon road warriors who deserve our cookies and milk, not a fat man in a red suit.

One of my neighbors nailed their Christmas decorations this year. from Austin

Not that Roger and Mike aren’t jealous of Santa for other reasons, too. Namely, if they were granted his same powers, the whole season would be a walk in the park. “I could fulfill the impossible volume of Christmas shipping needs if I had a flying truck with infinite storage,” Mike says. “But instead, I’m driving a goddamn rental truck without shelves so it’s a huge, unsorted mess back there. I got a new hole in my boot. I’m stepping in water. It’s cold out. Some weirdo is following me. No one is stopping at stop signs. Old people don’t know how to buzz me in through a callbox. A dumb kid threw a snowball at me. My courier device ran out of battery. There’s too many people jogging. There’s no public bathrooms. A customer lied about not getting her iPhone. And I stepped in doo-doo.”

Gotta love peak season with Covid from UPSers

Moreover, Russell, a 30-year-old postal worker in the Midwest, points out that Santa doesn’t seem to have an issue with loose dogs either. “We get tired of hearing, ‘Oh, he’s fine, he won’t bite.’ Dogs don’t know what mail is,” he explains. “To them, we’re intruders. I saw a carrier return to the office covered in her own blood last year after she was attacked.”

Still, above all else, Russell would like to have Santa’s apparent control of time. “I imagine Santa as an extremely high-level wizard with a godlike ability to manipulate time, which allows him to deliver to all the girls and boys in the world,” he says. “Time, of course, is constantly on the brain for those of us in delivery work. So if I had Santa’s powers, I’d never have to worry about time, though I’m not sure how my wages would be calculated in that case.”

I’m a UPS driver and I cried when I opened up our son’s letter to Santa. from pics

“In all seriousness, the guys and gals of UPS, FedEx, Amazon, USPS and DHL are hardworking, dedicated, motivated stewards of every season,” Roger concludes. “In a very trying, turbulent year, the customer keeps receiving whatever they need or want shortly after pressing a button. It takes many individuals working their tails off to make it happen, so my hat’s off to them.”  

If there’s one way to show your appreciation, it’s to take that milk-and-cookie money and put it toward sustenance and tips for your delivery person instead. “When people leave snacks and Gatorade for us, it’s a really nice gesture,” Mike says. “One person left candy canes, and while that’s nice and cool, I have no desire to suck on a candy cane while I’m delivering packages, especially because I’m wearing a mask.”

But more than anything, he adds, “Fuck Santa, support the USPS.”