Having a sexual experience with two other people at once remains a pinnacle ambition of the wild and horny. But the fantasy, whether it derives from porn or one’s own vivid daydreams, is sometimes rapidly undone by the material logistics of the act. One party may feel left out; a pairing may not have the chemistry that the others do; the bed may be a tad too small to accommodate everyone. Add to this delicate balancing act the accoutrements like condoms, toys, lube and role-play, and you have a world of complexity to manage.
And that’s before you ask yourself a critical question that wouldn’t occur to a threesome novice: What snacks you got?
Ah, beautiful. Leave it to Reddit’s robust polyamory group — more than 130,000 members, which adds up to a lot of fuckin’ — to show us a real-life group sex buffet spread. Except… is this… good? I have my own messy history with the polyamorist lifestyle, and I wish all the best for those on that journey. I only question the impulse to document the three-way pregame in photos for any weirdo on the internet to look at, and the choice to offer your sex guest strongly flavored kettle chips with room-temperature canned gin cocktails. Then again, what do I know. My only threesomes (and one absurd foursome) were generally unsuccessful, drug-and-drink-fueled affairs, and no food was ever on hand. Perhaps things would have gone differently with a fortifying bowl of almonds nearby, or a board of charcuterie. Hmmmm!
One recalls the wisdom of Frank Reynolds, the demented patriarch from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, brought to grotesque life by the incomparable Danny DeVito. Upon walking into a supposed apartment “orgy” that lacks the elite sensibility of the masquerade in Eyes Wide Shut, Frank immediately heads for the casserole trays and starts serving himself. He removes his mask, explaining that “this beak is interfering with my nosh.”
He rationalizes the presence of the hearty dishes as a practical courtesy: “You don’t wanna bang on an empty stomach, do ya?” That Frank does not have sex with anyone after eating doesn’t wholly discredit his argument, though it’s a reminder that overindulging at dinner can forestall the act of coitus, which after all does require a degree of athleticism, however slight. A meal may leave you too full to function.
Water, and juice and maybe wine, a charcuterie tray, some grapes.
— Silly E. Badu (@superliqued) January 7, 2020
So is there a happy medium when it comes to a dresser loaded with tasty treats to enjoy mid-fuckfest? You are trying to satisfy an extra person, so I get the desire to keep your energy up. At the same time, as mentioned, anything too heavy is going to slow you down, and the greasy stuff will have you tearing through that pack of baby wipes in no time. I guess it’s best to stick with acceptably “sensual” munchies — strawberries, chocolate, etc. — and for god’s sake, what about some water? Hydration would seem to be far more important than a sodium fix. Electrolytes, that’s a thing, right?
In any case, when it comes to the nibbles, definitely sort out any allergies or dietary restrictions beforehand. Congratulations on the boning, and particularly on pulling off the coveted three-way in wholesome, satisfying fashion. That alone has more than earned you the privilege of any snack you deem fit for the bedroom. Stay horny, friends.
Miles Klee
Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’
