There comes a time when we must reach uncomfortably far down inside, so far down we can touch our own uvula, and ask the hardest question of all: If women are preferred to be able to deep-throat a dick in spite of the logistical, gaggy realities of the act, what do hetero dudes have to do that is the thrillingly acrobatic equivalent? Let’s get to the bottom of this.
We can start with some basic truths: When it comes to epic sexual gymnastics, it’s women who are always left holding the baton. At least in hetero porn, it’s always women who have to do what amounts to a circus act to prove their sexual prowess and keep the menfolk happy. They take it in every opening at once, jack four dudes off at the same time using their hands and feet simultaneously and parkour from one dick to another with a transitional dismount after an Olympic judge’s own heart.
Sure, you might argue, that’s just porn. Women don’t have to do that in real life!
Au contraire. Even in real-life sex scenarios, it’s women who are expected to endure — and appear to enjoy — greater sexual discomfort.
Even in an act as simple as a blowjob, manning the member competently is no longer enough. A woman must transform her mouth into a human vagina if that vagina resembled a Dyson. Bonus points for taking it all the way down the esophagus so it can find out what she had for dinner. Since 1972, deep-throating has been an act that virtually every hetero woman has been pressured to try at least once. (Thanks a lot, porn. Thanks a lot, Harry Reems!)
Deep-throating requires eating a light dinner, unhinging your jaw, getting mentally Zen, suppressing your gag reflex and hoping for the best. So it’s only fair and correct that someone would eventually point out this sexual inequity and that men would be eager to eradicate it. That time is now, and that someone is a hero called Dick Barnacle.
Dick Barnacle is a Reddit commenter who recently wondered what all women have wondered for a very long time: What is the hetero male equivalent of deep-throating?
“I mean, obviously if a woman tells you she has no gag reflex (and I suppose a guy too), the impulse is to go, ‘Prove it,’” Barnacle writes. “What’s the male equivalent of that trick?”
Obviously, if you’re a man who sleeps with men, the trick is also deep-throating. But the question is posed to heteros, and it’s hetero answers we get:
“Staying hard after cumming,” someone wrote.
“I can lick the bottom of a Pringles can,” someone added.
“Eating ass,” went another response.
“I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue,” someone else suggested.
“I like doing the dishes,” someone else said.
Respectfully: No, no, no, no and no.
Those are all nice activities and everyone capable of them is certainly to be commended. But none of them poses nearly the actual physical discomfort that deep-throating does, nor does it confer pleasure anywhere near on the level.
“Deep-throating is about being able to provide a unique sensation that can’t really be achieved any other way,” someone correctly points out. “So the equivalent would be having a big dick, I guess?”
Nooooooooooooooooo. That requires no special skill!
The jokes roll on about male equivalents to the DT, and there are some good ones, I have to admit:
- Marriage
- $200,000-plus annual income
- Chugging a beer from a funnel
- Red wings (period sex)
- Red beard (period oral sex)
But only one person gets it right, or even comes close: “When you’re eating your girl out and she’s arching her back in such a way that she covers your nose with her mound, and you wanna see how long you can keep the rhythm going uninterrupted before you have to come up for air.”
Ding ding ding ding.
The hetero male equivalent of deep-throating is any kind of oral where you go all in such that you can’t breathe. It’s deep-throating, but with your nose in her butt.
Deep-tainting, if you will. Also known as reverse-cowgirl face-sitting.
As our own Miles Klee wrote in his extremely enthusiastic ode to face-sitting, performing the deep-taint is daunting and impractical, just like deep-throating. Also, like deep-throating, “plenty of would-be jaw-humpers are afraid they’ll break their partner’s nose trying to get settled, or suffocate them by letting their full weight down.”
But men don’t say, “Hey, don’t take my dick way into your throat, you might choke or have trouble breathing!” They just unzip and unleash it onto the world, dick in the wind, all but demanding you give it a home.
Maybe women should just start dropping trou, and then motion for a guy to lie down on his back and get ready to be docked. Because face-sitting is the only way you men can give maximum pleasure to a woman while also risking your own ability to breathe. It’s equally pleasurable to her, and equally tricky to you (assuming she likes it, and you like it, of course).
Just like deep-throating for us gals, face-sitting can be an accomplishment for you, too — a point of pride; something to write home about. Dear Mom: You’ll be proud to know I’ve finally tried face-sitting with Jennifer, your future daughter-in-law; she loves it almost as much as your squash casserole.
As a heterosexual woman, I can’t personally tell you how it would feel to a dude to try it, but you can take Miles’ word for it:
“At the risk of getting all ‘woke male feminist’ on you here, it’s nice to flip the usual script of man-treats-woman-like-sex-doll and become her plaything,” he writes. “Muzzled by the muff, mumbling in the moss, I’m taken by the idea that I don’t matter except as a conduit to carnal bliss. I’m pretty sure I forget my own name sometimes, and with it, all my own desires and anxiety. Part of me is convinced, in those moments, that I can actually survive off the essence of the person on top, drinking it, breathing it.”
For his face-sitting part, Klee also says he’s “extremely down to die this way,” but let’s not get too carried away. You don’t have to die letting us sit on your faces, you just have to struggle to breathe a bit, choke up a little, show us those big, welled-up tears in your eyes, and then keep at it until the job is complete. Only fair, right?
Tracy Moore
Tracy Moore is a staff writer at MEL. She covers all the soft sciences like psychology, sex, relationships and parenting, but since this is a men’s magazine, occasionally the hard ones. Formerly at Jezebel.
