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Clean Out Your Fridge, You Messy Bitch

Quit whining and go throw out those moldy leftovers — you’ll feel better afterward

We’re more than five months into this pandemic shit, and people are snapping left and right. Where it was once enough, if barely, to work toward freedom at the end of the week, we are now very much taking things “one day at a time.” The desperation for a distraction — or just some small way of regaining control over your circumstances — is at an all-time high.

Fortunately, I’m here to help. A while back, I recommended trimming your pubes as an antidepressant act of self-care, and now I’d like to endorse a different task for much the same reasons. It’s almost guaranteed to improve your mood (and if it doesn’t, please feel free to yell at me). My advice is this: When reality is on your very last nerve, go clean out your fridge.

Being trapped in your apartment is bad enough. Opening the refrigerator 40 times daily to see the same crowded mess of soggy takeout leftovers and expired yogurts? That doesn’t help. Also, why do you have three different half-full bottles of yellow mustard? Nightmare.

Pull up the trash can and begin the Great Purge. No food or drink is safe. You can admit to yourself that the chicken you made on Tuesday didn’t turn out great. Let it go. Leave your fridge feeling fresh, spacious and bright. And take this action unilaterally, because asking partners or roommates whether they want to keep this or that item is only going to slow you down. Be merciless.

Also: Be creative.

Whatever dispute arises from your judgment against those questionable eggs will be soon forgotten. The rest of the household is so grateful to whoever takes on the Herculean task of sifting through Tupperwares of potentially mold-covered meals that they are bound to forgive any overzealous action on your part. The culling cannot be complete if it does not claim some innocents that happen to be in the way. No honor without sacrifice. Level by level, bit by bit, you are remaking the inner world of this essential and often abused appliance. Make it count.

What a peaceful image. Don’t you want that for yourself? Don’t you, in fact, deserve it? There’s too many things about the world that you can’t change, but the state of your fridge isn’t one of them. The clutter and mystery odors aren’t as scary as they seem. Divide and conquer, and note how life improves from there. Maybe soon you’ll even mop the kitchen floor. Absolute scenes.