Normally, I don’t like to immerse myself in comic book worlds, but an interesting hypothetical has me reconsidering my stance against that nerd shit. What if you could live in Gotham City — the perpetually dark, grimy, corruption-ridden town where Batman operates as a vigilante — and pay next to nothing in rent? Would it be worth it with all the gloom and maniacal villains?
I don’t need more than two seconds to consider this. Hell yes, I’m ready to move to Gotham today. Rents here in reality just hit a new record high — a median of $1,827 nationally — and I will take relief in any form. Add in what I’m likely saving in gas prices thanks to urban public transit and I may actually be able to retire someday. Will I occasionally be traumatized by the sight of Batman caving some dude’s skull in for robbing a bodega? Yeah, but that’s what therapy is for. I want a sick loft in an art-deco building and my own washer and dryer.
As for the demented clowns, riddle-askers and penguin-resembling crooks, I’ve got no beef with them. Occasionally inhaling their poison gas or being trapped under the rubble of a bridge they blew up would add some excitement to my life, and I do prefer this crime-for-its-own-sake over suffering under a regime of white-collar evil. That Gotham remains a densely populated city seems proof that the dangers aren’t reason enough to leave. As comic book writer Grant Morrison has said, “Gotham needs as many faces as Batman — it should be the loudest, sexiest, jazziest city on Earth,” and the citizens put up with weirdness for the “sheer buzz.”
And to think people are paying New York prices to live in a place routinely trashed by the Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus and whoever the Avengers are fighting that month? Couldn’t be me. Of course, I’d have to steer clear of any wrongdoing that would get Batman himself on my case, but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t cracked down on pot users since the 1970s. Right?
Whatever, I’ll take my chances. Time to book the U-Haul. If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.
Miles Klee
Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’
