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Breakup Graphs, the Terror Hidden in Your Hot Pockets and How Fish Might Make You Rich

Humans are very odd when it comes to what we put in our bodies. For example, we swallow spit all day, every day. But imagine, for a second, hocking a loogie on a spoon and then slurping that puppy up. Sounds terribly off-putting, doesn’t it?

Today we examined the list of ingredients in Hot Pockets, a food that most of us haven’t eaten since we were poor college students, but nevertheless, wouldn’t be opposed to eating again under the right conditions. One of those ingredients is, without spoiling it for you, possibly harvested from humans. Now, this thing it’s harvested from isn’t inherently gross, has been completely transformed into its chemical form and the FDA approves it for consumption. And yet… I’m completely freaked out.

Check out what’s giving me the heebie-jeebies, and everything else we published today, below…

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In a simple bar graph, redditor u/mvarun93 charted the number of times he messaged his ex-girlfriend over the course of their relationship — from the heady, text-heavy early days to the sad decline as things petered out. When he posted the graph on r/DataisBeautiful, he wasn’t expecting it to blow up. But in just a few days, it had 25,000 upvotes. Turns out, documenting the failure of a relationship through data really struck a chord with redditors. But seeing women as systems to be analyzed has some people worried. READ MORE

Finding Dad

Absentee dads are a highly-worn trope in Hollywood — just watch movies like Father Figures, Parenthood and The Spectacular Now. But in Pakistani culture, where fathers are highly revered and the custodian of family traditions, a new documentary about a South Asian man tracking down his deadbeat dad is hitting especially close to home.

A Critic On… ‘Halloween’

On what it is: “Jamie Lee Curtis returns as Laurie Strode, the babysitter who barely escaped with her life in the first film. Back then, she was a smart but scared teenager screaming her lungs out. Forty years later, she’s a steely, buff, grizzled grandma in a state of constant readiness [for Michael Myers’ return] — after all, she’s learned that terror comes when you least expect it.”

On Curtis’ Laurie channeling her inner Sarah Connor: “Now with long, wild, gray hair, she’s remade herself into an expert shot and turned her home into a compound. Laurie was an innocent in the original Halloween, but her encounter with Michael taught her never to lower her guard or to trust anyone ever again.”

On allegories: “The sequel has been billed as a feminist horror movie. But while this Halloween can be seen as empowering, it’s also a grim metaphor for the bogeymen we all have in our lives.”

On finding the will to live in all the wrong places: “Constant fear has been what’s kept [Laurie] alive, but it’s also a fear that’s made life itself a prison. She can’t live with her bogeyman, but she can’t live without him, either.”

On why we love horror movies, and bogeymen in particular: “Like Laurie, on some level, we must enjoy having Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees terrorize us over and over again. Deep down, maybe we need them to keep us sharp — the fear they trigger ensures we don’t become complacent.”

Read the rest of Tim Grierson’s take on the new Halloween, here — including why John Carpenter is still the undisputed king of horror-movie music, why the film’s creators retconned Michael and Laurie’s brother-sister status out of existence and why Halloween is the new “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.”

Hot Pockets… of What Now?

When you think of Hot Pockets, you think of doughy tubes filled with hot tomato lava and the neckbeards that eat them. What you should now think about, especially after reading the mile-long ingredients list, is just what the hell you’re putting in your body by consuming one.

Enriched flour, water, reduced-fat mozzarella… okay, so far so good. *Scans page* “Dough conditioner blend,” what’s that? Oh, God… no… please tell me that isn’t true! *Barfs everywhere* The horror! Wait, Halloween is coming up in a week, maybe this is all someone’s sick joke? Ha ha ha, you guys, good one, you got me! … Huh? You’re not kidding?!? *Barfs again*

Cocaine of the Sea

If you want to make some real money, you need only look to the oceans. No, I’m not cryptically telling you to go hunting for one of El Chapo’s lost narco-submarines, or the millions of kilos of coke that spill into the sea every year. No, I’m referring to fish bladders — specifically, those of the totoaba fish. Because catching, drying, curing and selling just a couple totoaba bladders will earn you the kind of cash Tony Montana would be proud of.

Non, Bidet

You wouldn’t clean dog shit of your shoe with just a paper towel, would you? So then why do Americans continue to clean their assholes with toilet paper when the perfectly perfect bidet exists to wash their poop away? Because, like all great things uptight Puritans love to hate, it’s French.

What’s in a Name?

“Geoff” is an objectively terrible name. It’s spelled weird, it sounds even weirder and the poor saps who’ve been unlucky enough to be called Geoff are targets for torment and derision. But don’t tell that to a Geoff — for them, whatever doesn’t kill them, makes them stronger.

Think of the Children

Move over Juul. Take a hike, Fortnite. The real Public Enemy No. 1 among America’s youth isn’t e-cigs or video games, it’s memes. That’s because according to the Olds, memes are making us fat.