Like any good gay, I’m always considering a major hair change, and the pandemic only exacerbated this urge. First, I wanted to bleach my hair; it was too risky to my natural waves. Then I wanted to buzz it, but I already (flawlessly) rocked that look in 2017. I thought about a fade; my colleague Eddie Kim beat me to it.
So now I’ve resigned myself to not changing my hair — at least until my next panic attack. Because my hair grows out in about three weeks (brag!), my dark locks are going haywire (hairwire?). I’m starting to look a little bit like Dr. Emmett Brown in Back to the Future.
So it’s become hat season. And bobby pin season. I’m putting anything I can in my hair to tame this growing mane.
Dudes, it’s not gay to want your hair to look good. So go buy some bobby pins — those tiny metal lifesavers — or steal them from your partner. Bobby pins are great for maintaining the illusion of slicked-back hair while offering hold that product could never achieve.
Bobby pins are training wheels for barrettes — the true signifier of advanced male hairstyles. Don’t believe me? Talk to the king of quarantine, Post Malone. The dude’s style is perpetually hey, look what I found in the back of my closet. Apparently, he’s found some dope barrettes.
Can’t go to Coachella but still want to live your insufferable music festival fantasy? Find your Zara button-down, put on a pair of Chubbies and top it off with a $30 Fila bucket hat. For those of us craving sunshine, loud music and dehydration in open fields, this is the closest we get. But don’t blame me when your former frat bro coworker asks what you thought of Steve Aoki’s latest album.
Dadcore is in, and nothing screams middle-aged more than a pair of high-waisted pleated khakis and a $20 Nike golf visor. Headed into work negotiations over Zoom? No one’s gonna concede to you and your unruly hair or a baseball cap. Dress like the sensible father of your dreams and go get that deal.
Bandanas and Buffs
Bandanas are back! Since we’re wearing them as makeshift face masks, you can start using kerchiefs to keep hair out of your eyes. Or look like every Survivor hottie and try a stretchy, versatile Buff — it’s been so long since you showered, you might as well be in Fiji.
Von Dutch Hats
Lindsay Lohan is releasing new music, Adam Brody is a quarantine scumbro style icon and Disney Channel stars are rehashing old feuds on Instagram. We’re living in aughts nostalgia, which means it’s time to pull that dingy Von Dutch hat out of your older brother’s closet. Even TikTok star Chase Hudson, a.k.a. Lil Huddy, is rocking Von Dutch, so you know it’s cool.
Now if all hats and hair accessories fail, go buy a trusty MEL dad hat. Your Zoom callers will finally see that you’re smart and hot, like the rest of us.