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Sorry, Men, You Can’t Have an Affair for Free

Some clueless married guys think they can keep a mistress without spending a dime

Men, on the whole, aren’t the brightest bunch. It’s wild, for instance, how many married guys think they’ll be able to cheat while keeping the other partner a secret from their spouse. But it’s come to my attention that some guys are even more unrealistic when it comes to the logistics of keeping a sidepiece. One woman on Reddit’s r/adultery forum asks, plainly annoyed: “What is up with the guys wanting an affair but ‘can’t’ provide anything for risk of getting caught?” 

The replies make it clear that this isn’t an isolated problem. “Seriously. If you don’t have free time and extra money you can’t affair,” wrote another woman. “I’m sick of men who think them offering sex is enough.” Others called out the bumbling philanderers who, even if they’ve got the financial end sorted out, can’t seem to handle basic problem-solving. Describing an arrangement that fizzled, one redditor recalled: “The final straw came when he started complaining that he had to drive a longer route that had no tolls, so his wife wouldn’t potentially see the EZ Pass bill.”

“Competent men who know how to get things done are attractive,” she added.

Come on now, dudes. I know we ain’t shit, but do we have to be this pathetic? Stepping out on your monogamous relationship is already a sleazy move — have a little class when you do it! Quick, uncomfortable sex in a car parked by the woods is well and good for teenagers, but you should be prepared to spring for at least a relatively clean motel room, not to mention drinks, dinners and even the occasional gift. Can’t believe this has to be said. I thought for sure that while the regular dating scene is rife with tensions over men not offering to pay for stuff, a man who has successfully entered long-term couplehood would know the price of getting down to intimate business. How foolish of me.

Unreal. I’m embarrassed on behalf of all us horny dogs. You could be the most physically adept Adonis between the sheets, but you’d still have to pick up the taxi fare now and then! Shared bank account? Open one just for yourself. Don’t make enough money? Knuckle down and earn a raise. Think you deserve to be a sugar baby? Think again, stupid. Nobody’s entitled to a wife and mistress on charm alone. And however you might weasel out of covering the bills on a day-to-day basis, I guarantee you’ll break out the wallet in the end. Odd how as soon as you’re blackmailed, you’ve got no problem withdrawing cash. Should’ve spent that on something fun when you had the chance.  

Sorry if this hurts your feelings, boys, but you should have no illusions when you start living a double life, because the women sure don’t. Good luck out there, and don’t forget to tip.